Fun for the Unemployed

Cover Letter: Dear PNC Mortgage...

2011-03-12T16:31:00.000-08:00

Dear PNC Mortgage,

I'm very interested in the Associate Asset Manager position you're currently seeking to fill. I have a great deal of experience managing assets, as I've been managing my own for about 35 years. It all started with the pennies the crossing guard used to give me on my way to school. If my friends and I succeeded in scaring him, he'd give us pennies. So everyday, we'd hide behind a series of trees and trample right over our neighbor's Agapanthus plants in our enthusiasm for frightening an old man and everyday, he'd give us pennies. I saved them all in a piggy bank and my assets have grown steadily ever since! See? Successful asset management. (As for the Agapanthus, well, we did them a favor, really. Nobody likes Agapanthus.)

Actually, to be completely honest, in recent years, there has been some decline in my assets as a result of the massive economic downturn caused by the mortgage and banking industries. But that would be your fault, rather than mine, now wouldn't it?

Just kidding! Well, sort of... I guess that would be one of those jokes with a nugget of truth, eh? More like a boulder. Haha. LOL. Yeah, it's not actually very funny. But that's ok. I'm not the only one who owes $100,000 more for my house than it's currently worth, right?

Anyway... I believe I exceed the required qualifications you're seeking for this position. Bachelor's degree? Check. Proficiency in MS environment to include Excel and Word? Check. Plus, I know a whole bunch of other shit, which you may or may not find useful. (Please see resume for a list of other shit.)

1-3 years experience in Section 42 tax credit compliance? Well I don't have that, but I read about it and I completely understand the situation. You loan money to slumlords and I would be assisting the slumlords to make sure they continue to meet the requirements for tax evasion. Oops, I mean incentives. (That will probably happen a lot.) I would very much enjoy working with slumlords. I've always been curious about that sort of person and it would provide me with an opportunity for psychological insight.

I don't actually have any banking experience, but I'm sure you don't actually require a great deal of expertise, as PNC is, in fact, my mortgage holder and I have previously dealt with more than a dozen of your employees. After a year of unsuccessfully attempting to obtain a rate reduction and being given the run-around by every single last person I ever spoke with at PNC, I have no doubt that not only does PNC hire people who lack expertise, but that incompetence is actually mandatory. In fact, I might be a little too competent for this position, but I promise that if you hire me, I will work hard to achieve, uphold and maintain PNC's level of ineptitude. And I'll do so with an attitude. Hey, that could be your new slogan! "Ineptitude with attitude." Look at me- I'm working for you already!

Best Regards,
Anna Nimus

PS- As an employee, would I eligible for a mortgage rate reduction?

Dear Patrick James...

2010-07-30T07:26:00.000-07:00

Dear Patrick James Store,

I recently came across your store for the first time and was pleasantly surprised to to learn that a clothing store existed as an ode to the late great Patrick James. However, I thought I'd take the time to offer you some suggestions, as the clothing you carry does not accurately portray Patrick James's image.

I think it would be great if you started a new clothing line which might consist of clothing with more sequins and man-made fabrics. It should definitely include spandex pants, as the 80's styles are so hip right now and Patrick James was fond of wearing spandex. If you refer to the "Super Freak" video, you might find some design inspiration in his sparkly open-chest shirt and knee-high boots.

It's tough to find knee-high boots in men's sizes. You could have a monopoly on your hands if you carried these! Maybe you could also include a special occasion selection of white suits with shimmery dress shirts? And don't forget- you'll need to offer customers the option of accessorizing with large clunky jewelry.

You know what also might be kind of fun? If you started a line of women's clothes called "Kinky Girl". Patrick James would be so proud! You could almost hear him singing "She's a very kinky girl...the kind you don't bring home to mother..." You could sell tube tops with matching elbow-length gloves, spandex animal print mini-skirts... You know- stuff hookers wore in the 80's.

You should also carry some of that body glitter stuff. Nothing goes better with freaky sex attire than sparkly skin!

I hope I'm not offending you with my clothing design suggestions. It's just that the clothes you are currently selling don't really honor Patrick James's memory. They're really more suitable for middle-aged financial manager types to wear on their golf days.

Regards,
Anna Nimus

Dear Mentor Judy (SPAMMER)...

2009-11-13T09:24:00.000-08:00

This morning I received notification that the following two comments were posted in response to one of my anti-spammer blog posts:

"Anonymous said...: Who knows where to download [never mind- product name]?
Help, please. All recommend this program to effectively advertise on the Internet, this is the best program!
Judy [lastname] said...: Just do a Google search for [product name] and take your pick."

Isn't that cute? How she pretended to be one person asking about this malicious product and then answered the fake other person as herself? Two spam comments for the price of one!

Dear Ms. Judy [lastname];

I'm writing you today to thank you for the thoughtful comments you left on my blog post, "Dear James Randall (Scam Spammer)". Well, it wasn't so much a thoughtful comment as it was a completely unrelated and unwelcome comment advertising a malicious product. But thank you anyway.

I see from your profile on Blogger that the bible is one of your favorite books. Right on. Have you heard- they're talking about adding some new commandments to sort of keep up with technology and modern times? The proposed 11th commandment is "Though shalt not spam." What do you think of that? You think spamming is a sin? Maybe a just a little... Not as bad as adultery, but certainly worse than coveting. Do you think Jesus frowns on spam? (Sometimes it's hard to tell when he's frowning because he has that thick beard.)

In case you don't recall, the particular blog post in which you left your comment was written in response to a spam email I received. It is contained in an entire section of my blog in which I mess with spammers. You know what spam is, don'tcha Judy? Now I looked into the product you mentioned in your comment- this product that is so great you are willing to engage in illegal behavior for it. And it appears to be a program that allows spammers to quickly and easily generate spam.

Just so I have this straight... You (a spammer) left a spam comment on an anti-spammer blog post for a spam-enabling product. Wow, that's an outrage wrapped in irony. (It could actually be a double irony but I don't think you're that clever.) You have some juevos grandos Judy Nuber! That's espanol for 'big balls'. (Actually it's 'big eggs' because I couldn't think of the Spanish word for balls. But whatever- you get the idea.)

May I suggest that in the future, if you're going to continue this practice, you may want to engage in your illegal behavior anonymously. The way you've done it here, we can all link right to your Blogger profile and read all about how you want to "be the best me I can be" and that you believe "if you can think it, you can achieve it!" How inspiring.

So when you were a little girl did you dream about growing up to be a scam artist, oops I mean, "Network Marketer"? You closed your eyes and envisioned this as your life's calling? Really? You said to yourself, "Dagnabbit, I choose to contribute to society and to my fellow man by barraging them with unwanted messages about unwanted products and make money by stealing time, space and attention that rightly belong to other people? I don't want to cure cancer or feed the hungry or teach children to read... I want to irritate people and be a public nuisance!" Lofty goals, Judy.

Well we can't all do meaningful work. If there were no bad guys, the good guys wouldn't seem so good, right? In case you're interested, this is what the Washington Post thinks of your product.

Good Day,
Anna Nimus

11/14/09: Follow-up: Judy posted an apology for her spam comment. Therefore in appreciation for her apology, I will remove her last name from this post.

Fun with Re-training (Part Two)

2009-10-15T12:29:00.000-07:00

So I'm sitting there today in my (very disappointing because the teacher and book kinda suck) Dreamweaver class and I'm trying to spend the last hour of class time working my way through the textbook exercises because that's what we were supposed to be doing. But I was having some difficulty concentrating because the friggin' idiot kid sitting directly behind me spent the entire hour-long work period chat-chat-chat-chat-chatting. Just shooting the shit with the guy next to him. Like he was in a bar or on a bus or something. He even had the audacity at one point to express his frustration at not being able to keep up with all of his homework... ?!!! @#!*&!???

In my next life, I would very much like to be sort of person who can calmly and without fear, ask someone to shut the fuck up. In this life, I've been relegated to being the type of person who rolls their eyes out of view of the person I'm rolling my eyes at and taking big, dramatic frustration breaths. But really, isn't that a clear enough signal?

One more little thing while I'm at it (with my hormones on fire and everything), if you are a member of the trailer park heathen family who attended Star Wars in Concert last night and who proceeded to talk through the live SYMPHONY performance and who let your child use his OUTSIDE voice throughout the entire performance, I hate you. Please don't leave the park again until you learn how behave properly outside of your living room. I swear, we seriously need a national manners lesson.

Fun with Re-training (Part One)

2009-10-06T07:25:00.000-07:00

It was with a considerable amount of trepidation that I decided to go back to school. This was for several reasons. Firstly, I already have a f'n degree and honestly, it's not doing me much good. PLUS, I'm still paying for it. PLUS, I worked really hard to get it and it pisses me off that no one appreciates it. I mean please. I can dance Riverdance and plee-ay around the folks with Communications degrees. No offense to those of you with Communications degrees, but really, you chose it because it was easy, yes? Smart move. Killing yourself to get through Chemistry classes will get you nowhere. But taking an interpersonal communication class is apparently worth something in the job market. A class where you practice talking to each other. Hmph. You know what? We communicated interpersonally quite well in my Chemistry study group. Science majors can communicate AND do other stuff too.

Oh, I feel myself moving into my angry place and veering off into an unrelated tirade. Sorry about that.

Back to my point. Trepidation. So I felt like I shouldn't have to. But clearly I needed to something differently. You can't keep doing the same thing and expect different results right? Yeah, yeah... Fine.

So I did a little research and looked at my training options. And here's a golden bit of info that may help some of you. My state (and maybe yours too) is getting funds from the federal government to provide training grants to dislocated workers. And qualifying for dislocated worker status is MUCH easier than qualifying for unemployment. Basically the criteria in my state was: do I have a job (no) and do I want a job (yes) and am I having trouble finding a job (yes)? There you go, I am dislocated. (This explains my existential crisis.)

Now you don't get much money, so don't get all excited and think you can go back and get your MFA on the Fed's dime. It's really only enough to take some community college classes (which was another source of trepidation for me). But hey, a lot of community colleges have excellent vocational training nowadays. And they're a lot cheaper than those over-priced, poorly-regarded schools that advertise on TV. (Get in, get out, get ahead? More like: get in, get out, get in debt!)

So here I am. Back in community college. What is wrong with this picture? #1: Community college is supposed to come before real college, not after. And #2: Oh yes... My gray hair. Gray hair is a dead give-away that you're a middle-aged student. And FYI, if you want to blend, the kids nowadays wear their backpacks on both shoulders. This is requiring a mental re-adjustment on my part because back in the day, the dorkiest thing you could do was wear your backpack on both shoulders. Isn't that ridiculous? That using an object in its intended manner makes you uncool. This same phenomena was applied to pants later on in the 90's. Remember when the pant waist was worn, not around the waist, but rather above the knees? Friggin' ridiculous. I don't know what silly thing is going on now but I'm sure it will reveal itself in the coming weeks.

There I was on my first day, feeling both out of place and yet subtly superior. Like a childless MILF with freshly dyed hair and super cute new blue jeans. I found a parking space and it was only about a mile away. Luckily, it was breezy enough that the sweat from my hot flash combined with the sweat from the exertion of my one mile hike evaporated before I got all drippy.

So I'm walking along to my class, wearing my backpack over both shoulders and all of my hair is uniformly brown... Sure, some of them are short and wiry and sticking straight out (hard lesson learned: don't pluck the gray!), but they're brown and that's the important thing. And so what if I'm pushing 40 and I'm taking community college classes? It's OK. They can't tell. Or can they? As I glanced at faces, I did see an array of ages. Sort of. There were definitely a few fogies in the bunch. But since when did children start going to college? There sure were a lot of children. Not little children, but like, kids. Scrawny, geeky, pimply-faced, green behind the ears kids with exceedingly self-conscious postures. Did they hold driver training classes here or something? Fuck, I can't pass for THAT. I have crows feet. OK, that's OK, I thought. I am a MILF. (Well, actually just an ILF.) And (I said to them in my head), I am older than you, wiser than you, smarter than you and if I whip my junk-in-the-trunk ass from side to side, I can knock you over in a heartbeat. So move.

After the mile-long hike and self-administered pep talk, I found my class. There I was, in the right room at the right time, fully dressed and everything. Not at all like my first day of school nightmare.

The instructor spent the class time going through the syllabus and course requirements. And on at least six occasions, she was interrupted. You know how every class has one of those people? Those people who feel the need to interject their personal tidbits during class time? Mix one part suck up with one part attention-seeking and you get one of those people. And oh lucky day, this particular class had a statistically improbable amount of those people- like four of 'em! So needless to say, the first class took longer than it should have. Just as the instructor was nearing the end of the syllabus explanation and I thought we were finally going to make it through and I could see the light at the end of tunnel... So close...Arghgh. Fleshy-faced, four eyes kid raises his hand, "I know a lot of the Adobe programs because I was the high school yearbook editor last year." FML.

Fun with Corporations: Dear DSW...

2009-10-05T12:14:00.000-07:00

Dear DSW,

I just came home from shopping at one your stores and I'd like to give you some feedback regarding my visit. Overall, it was a positive shopping experience. I even had someone say "good morning" to me, which was a pleasant surprise since DSW is really more of a self-service shopping environment. Of course, so is Walmart and even they have a greeter. So never mind. I guess it wasn't so much of a surprise. But it was pleasant nonetheless. ("Good morning to you too, Shoe Stacker Person!")

I like how you have the shoes organized into style groups. It saves me from doing a lot of walking by having all the ridiculous stilettos together up in the first 4 rows. Honestly, just looking at stilettos makes me angry. So I try to stay away from them.

When I'd found what I needed and brought my purchase to the front, the woman at the register was friendly and courteous. In fact that's why I'm writing today. Because, as we were finishing up and she was handing me my receipt, she said, "Enjoy!" ... Not "bye, come again". Nor "thanks, have a nice day!" Enjoy. This struck me as kind of funny. In fact, I almost giggled. Enjoy. Huh, I thought as I walked to my car. Maybe that's my problem in life. Maybe I need to learn how to get more enjoyment out of my shoes. Do other people enjoy their shoes? Maybe the true secret to happiness is as simple as shoe enjoyment. What kind of shoes is the Dalai Lama wearing, I wonder?

It's not that I'm completely devoid of the concept of shoe enjoyment. I was young once. I have owned fabulous shoes ('Look at me' shoes, and even 'fuck me' shoes). But I didn't purchase stripper shoes today. Nothing colorful or shiny or furry or sparkly. In fact, nothing with even the slightest heel. I purchased practical, comfortable, black flats with arch support. (Not my idea of party shoes.)

So I don't know if I will actually enjoy my shoes. I suppose I will enjoy the comfort they will bring me. Although, even that is not something I'm likely to enjoy. It's one of those things that doesn't work unless it's the other way around. I would not enjoy the discomfort of painful shoes. But I tend not to actually enjoy comfort. Comfort is like health, I guess. You sort of take it for granted until you have discomfort.

But you know, I did enjoy contemplating the concept of shoe enjoyment and that is something, right? So, thanks.

Enjoy,
Anna Nimus

PS- Can I have a coupon?

Try a New Food Tuesday: Spotted Dick

2009-09-10T07:48:00.000-07:00

Don't worry. I'm still here. I have not yet found a job to take me away from my unemployment blog. I'm still being distracted by summertime activities. Hey, if you're going to be unemployed, summer is the time to do it, right? When else can you slip-n-slide your way head first into a patch of fresh strawberries? Or stroll barefoot through fields of fruit trees, 'u-pick'ing to your heart's content? Or take an urban hike from one blackberry bush infested empty lot to another, collecting shitloads of free berries for dessert? Some days I feel like a cast member of Petticoat Junction, y'all.

In my travels (ha), a little something has piqued my interest and curiousity every time I've encountered it on the shelf of my local Cost Plus World Market. (Am I dating myself calling it that? Is it just "World Market" now? I remember when it was just "Cost Plus" and it was THE source for cheap, imported
'china flats' (shoes) and big, dangly silver earrings. But I digress. [And in case you're thinking I must be making a lot of money through the Amazon affiliate program, as much as I would like that to be the case, I have not made a penny. You unemployed people are not good consumers. Oooooh... a double digression. And a burn.])

Anyways... The thing I keep encountering is (you guessed it), Spotted Dick. It's a British cake. And it comes in a can. And I giggle a little bit every time. And were it not priced exhorbitantly ($5-6!), I would have bought some a long time ago. Like maybe if it was $3. But being the frugal and enterprising girl that I am, I thought I'd just make my own Spotted Dick. Because I'm quite certain that a fresh Spotted Dick must be tastier than a canned one. Mmmm. Hand job, oops, I mean hand made Spotted Dick.

(Sorry- I couldn't help myself. I have to amuse myself somehow.) So here we go. The recipe is HERE. I was a little scared to google "Spotted Dick", but I needn't fear. Epicurious even has a photo and if you click on the link, you'll see it doesn't look like a dick at all. But if you manage to find a ceramic dick-shaped souffle dish, you could actually make a Spotted Dick that looks like a dick if you'd like. Good luck with that. They do make metal "pecker cake" pans in a variety of styles (yes they do), which are available through bachelorette party supply web sites. However, a true Spotted Dick needs to be steamed and I'm not certain you can accomplish that properly with a metal pan. You don't want your Spotted Dick to get rusty.

Finally, don't forget the sauce. No proper Spotted Dick is complete unless it is served in the traditional manner with a white custard sauce dribbled over it. Swear to god. I'm not making this stuff up. And people say the British are stiff. ('Scuse the pun.)

********************
Later that day...

First off, I'll say thumbs up. Spotted Dick is super tasty. And my husband loved it too! I will give you a little hint about assembling your homemade steamer apparatus. Keep in mind that you'll have to get the inner dish out of the larger pot in the presence of boiling water. I put a small souffle dish inside a metal double boiler bowl, which had a lip (for easier handling), and then put them on top of a circular grater thing that came with my pots in order to elevate them off the bottom. This would have worked out well if the large pot had been larger or slightly more shallow, but as it was, I had a heck of a time getting the inner bowl/dish out of the pot. Also, it's OK if you don't have parchment paper. I covered mine with foil (sprayed with Pam) and it worked fine. Other than that, it was easy to make. And I was pleasantly surprised when the Spotted Dick rose up out of my pan. Who knew you could steam a cake?!

In case you're wondering what that sad clumpy stuff in the last photo is, that would me my custard gone wrong. I couldn't find custard powder at the store so I made my own custard from scratch. Just in case you're thinking you can make custard from scratch without no stinkin' candy thermometer, you would be wrong. (Luckily I only made a half recipe.) Here's another little hint. By the time the custard gets to a custard-like consistency at which point you remove it from the stove, it's too late. It is already too hot and thick and will get chunky on you. Remove it from the heat at the very first sign of thickening. The very first sign. Immediately when you notice it's gone from watering to soupy. Or follow the directions and use a thermometer.

Things to Do: Make Fruit-Infused Moonshine

2009-08-17T07:18:00.000-07:00

Well, I must apologize. It's been some time since my last post. Summertime activities have been keeping me busy, busy, busy. The garden I started a few months back has been producing prolifically and I've been blanching and freezing and pickling and baking... I don't can anything because I harbor a healthy phobia of death by botulism. But that's just me. You go right ahead and indulge.

Before I forget, I would like to welcome my two new followers- hello! We're now a healthy, book club sized group of eight (if you include me). Oooh, we're like a little gang now. An unemployed, slightly bitter, but still fun-loving and slightly naughty gang armed with resumes and poised to pop into our power suits at a moment's notice, should someone call us for an interview. Shall we practice rolling our eyes in unison for when a newscaster states we're now in a post-recession economic upswing?

But I digress. The purpose of today's post is to inspire yet another new creative endeavor. Now I'm not going to actually instruct you on how to make moonshine because I believe it's technically illegal and there are some safety issues involved in running a still. But if you absolutely must make yours completely from scratch, here are some sites with information:

Moonshine (Wikipedia)

White-Collar Moonshine (The Urban Gourmet Gets Into Distilling)

Home Distillation- A Step by Step Guide

How-to-make-a-still

How to Make Moonshine

Now, if you have a source for obtaining locally produced moonshine, consider yourself very fortunate. But if you don't, you can simply purchase store-bought vodka or grappa (depending on your current standard of living). You can even use gin, rum or tequila. You'll also need some nice clean glass containers for your creations. I suggest you choose something pretty because you'll be showing these babies off to friends and family.

Finally, you'll need to decide what sort of fruit to use for your infusions. You don't need a ton, as the fruit will be sitting in there for several weeks. If you want to keep it in there permanently, you'll use even less. (Ofcourse, there are also a number of recipes for quickie, 24-hour results, but that's no fun.) There are basically two ways to make a fruit-infused alcohol- you can add a bit more fruit and strain everything out after several weeks (or days or months), OR you use less and just leave it in there. Personally, I generally prefer the latter for aesthetic purposes, but then it depends on the type of fruit you choose. Some fruit will hold its shape better and result in less floaty bits. I come from a home-grown / moonshine sort of background, so I'm OK with floaty bits in my beverages, but I understand that some people are more particular.

Another option for your concoction is the addition of simple syrup to add sweetness to your infusion. And of course, you are not limited to just using fruit- you can also use herbs and spices. You can even combine herbs or spices with fruit for a virtually unlimited number of binge-drinking possibilities. Isn't this fun!?

Need cheap Christmas or Hunukkah gifts? Fruit-infused alcohol makes a great gift! People appreciate homemade gifts because they're more unique and thoughtful. And imagine how appreciative they'll be when you tell them your homemade gifts were made way back in the summertime with fruit you stole, oops, I mean, hand-picked fresh from your neighbor's tree yourself. They'll be thrilled! (Unless they're assholes, in which case they'll just think you're cheap, but if that's the case, who cares what they think because they're assholes.)

Here are some web sites with instructions for creating your infusions (no need in me wasting my breath repeating, right?):

Infusion Techniques

Infuse Your Booze

Alcohol-Preserved Fruit (in this case the focus is on the fruit, rather than the alcohol)

Keep in mind that infusing alcohol with fruit is not rocket science. It's tough to do wrong. The results may or may not be good- it depends on what you've done, but that's the fun of experimentation. Keep track of how you made each creation, so you know what works and what doesn't for the future. And if it tastes like ass, trust your instincts and just don't drink it.

(Photos of my own infusions are on the way!)

Things to Do: Selling Conceptual Art on eBay (Part 3)

2009-07-06T14:34:00.000-07:00

I am having one of those creative days when you have lots of ideas in the shower. (Do you have those too?) So today I decided to revisit an old topic which I'm not quite done with yet. In case you weren't following my blog at the time, I previously did a post where I instructed you how to create and sell your conceptual art on eBay and then I did my own conceptual art piece and wrote a post on that as well. In case you're wondering, "dinner without chagall" is still available.

And below is my newest piece, "Ode to Schizophrenics, Existentialists and Surrealists", which is now available on eBay with a starting bid of just 5 cents. (This is a very good deal.) You can hardly buy anything for 5 cents anymore. You can't even buy one cherry at the grocery store for 5 cents. Actually, that might be kind of fun. Maybe I'll do that tomorrow.

"Ode to Schizophrenics, Existentialists, and Surrealists"

Description/Statement:

Was it Sartre who said that all consciousness is self-consciousness? Or was it Nietzche? Ah well, that's OK. Who really cares what Sartre said? Or Nietzche, for that matter. What's really important is what is going on between Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.

What we have here, up for auction today, is my latest conceptual art piece. It measures approximately 7.5 x 8 inches and is 1/4 inch thick. The vast difference between a HUGE title and such a small piece lends itself to the meaning, I think. It's inherent meaning is actually meaningless, but I suppose you gathered that from my reference to the existentialists, yes? My intention, with this piece, is to turn self-consciousness inwards towards the self, rather than toward what is unilaterally referred to as that which resides outside ourselves- for example, a bird or a twinkie.

My use of glitter captures the essence of this message in a manner that, I believe, no other visual effect can. Because glitter is sparkly and scatters light particles, you see. ('Scuse the pun.) And the eyes, being the window to the soul, allow the sight of that which is external, but internally realized. It's a fantastical connection between the internal and external! And the viewer is left to ponder the concept of something that is blatantly external representing the consciousness of the self, which is internal. Confounding!

This piece will require a bit of interaction, as you MUST yell at it twice a day, everyday, until it yells back. When you are not yelling at it, it should hang on your wall in such a location where the little chick might watch your daily comings and goings. Lest she grow bored and peck out your eyeballs at night while you're sleeping. Peck. Peck. Peck.

Heckle. Freckle. Heehee!!!

I always feel like somebody's watching me... Doe, ray, me. Me, me, me...

You.

Lalalalalalala. I am not listening to you. Pickle.

Of course you don't need to bring it on vacation with you, as fine art does not travel well and Customs Officers tend to be unwieldy when it comes to foreign meats, cheeses and conceptual artwork. Simply resume your daily verbal abuse upon your return.

PS- I like pond scum.

Fricasseeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

Dear Injection Mould Maker...

2009-06-29T17:49:00.000-07:00

Here's a fun little quickie. Got this in my inbox today. I can't fathom why, except that she seems to think I'm a buyer. And distinguished. Ha. (But just for that, I will leave off some of her contact info.) Here it is:

Dear Distinguished Purchaser:

Greetings from Golden Guide industry(HK) Co., Ltd, we're a mould maker for injection mould making and plastic moulding in China.

Golden Guide industry(HK) Co., Ltd established in 1986, ISO 9001:2000 certified, we has been engaged in investigating, deleloping, manufacturing and distributing in injection mould making. during 23 years of exporting, we gained a good reputation among our valued customers overseas for the Value, reliability, quality, competitive pricing, guaranteed fast delivery and satisfying after service.

Will you please take a few minutes to go through my website http://www.goldenguide-mould.com/ to get a general info. about my products, if any mould attracts your eyeballs, please do contact with me.

Your earliest feedback will highly appreciated.

Best regards,

Julia Ju
Sales Manager

Website: http://www.goldenguide-mould.com/index.asp
http://www.globalsources.com/ggmould.co

So then I said:

Dear Julia,

Thank goodness you contacted me when you did. You see, one of your moulds did, in fact, attract my eyeballs and now I'm stuck. It's rather painful. I'm hoping that by doing contact with you I will be freed from my predicament, as my mould-attracted eyeball is deleloping into a serious problem.

Your friend,
Anna Nimus

Dear UGA (Re: Scam / Spam Sales Job Offer)...

2009-06-14T08:20:00.000-07:00

Ooooh... Look what I got this morning. Another scam/spam job offer email. I believe I'm batting 0-15 for legitimate offers vs. scam job offers as a result of my public resume on Careerbuilder and Monster.

----- Original Message -----
From: "Jim [last name]" <[nevermind]@ugadivision.com>

[my name],

I have reviewed your resume and think that you'd be a good fit for a sales/sales management position we have available near [my town].

Based on your resume and income requirements I think you may be a viable candidate.

I'd like to learn more about your experience and answer any questions you may have about the position. I'd like you to come in for an interview this week at our office.

Please give me a call between 10-2pm Monday [xxx-xxx]-5260 to discuss.

Sincerely,
Jim

James [last name]
Division Manager
UGA
xxx.xxx.5260 Tel
xxx.xxx.1158 Toll Free
xxx.xxx.5265 Fax

So then I said:

Jim,

How's it going? Thanks for the email. As you can imagine I'm a bit hesitant to respond, as I've received nothing but scams, spam and salary-less insurance sales position offers since I posted my resume publicly on Careerbuilder and Monster.

I'm not completely opposed to sales. In fact, at one time I tried very hard to get into pharmaceutical sales. (Not because I approve of industry practices, but because of the lucrative nature of the industry.) However, pharmaceutical companies are really big on hiring people who have achieved proven, documented sales goals. So they won't hire me... Because I haven't met any sales goals. In fact, I spent 3 years trying to run my own business and failed miserably. But maybe I didn't do well because I cared too much about my "products", you know? I was too close. Perhaps if I sell something I don't care about and don't know anything about, I might fare better?

And obviously you recognized my potential talents by reviewing my resume. Otherwise, you wouldn't have contacted me. Surely with your experience you are able to weed out those who would excel in sales capacity from those who would not!

Now, which UGA is it you represent and what would I be selling exactly, because there are several institutions represented by this acronym (apparently) and you didn't include a web site link? My assumption is that you do not represent the University of Georgia since we are not in Georgia and nowhere near Georgia.

There is also the United Golf Association, the Utah Golf Association, or the US Golf Association (USGA), any of which might be fun to work for. I don't know a thing about golf, but I'm pretty good at playing pool and a golf course is really just a much larger version of a pool table. Different crowd, of course. And the attire differs a bit too, I imagine. But I'd certainly be willing to trade in my Vegas cocktail dresses for plaid pants and polo shirts. Will I also have to give up the cigars and martinis?

There is also this UGA company that sells insurance products:
http://www.ugaonline.com/

Is that who you represent? Because I hate to tell you this, but there is some very bad PR surrounding this company. Is it true that the commissions your commission-only salespeople earn for the first few years are legally regarded under their employment contracts as loans and if they leave in the first few years, they have to pay their "earnings" back to you? And if they don't pay, their "debt" is sent to collections and their credit ratings are destroyed? Here's what some people are saying:

http://www.reviewopedia.com/uga-corp.htm

To be fair, I also reviewed the information on the official UGA web site. Now just to clarify, is this UGA insurance sales company affiliated with the UGA golf association at all because all of the people in your "success stories" section appear to be on a golf course. Or did you do that on purpose because people on golf courses wearing polo style shirts look more successful than people in offices wearing business suits? And people think that business suit-wearing office people are the subservient schmucks who serve the ultra-successful polo shirt-wearing, golf-playing guys who are so successful they don't need to be in the office and can conduct all of their business over a leisurely golf games with other ultra-successful polo shirt-wearing guys.

Are you, in fact, one of these ultra-successful polo shirt-wearing, golf-playing guys? Because many of them are actually named Jim, Bill or Bob.

I must admit, after reading the success stories, I am moved. I think more large, reputable, national companies should share employee success stories that mimic the down and out, life-altering "found god" stories touted by born-again Christian religious institutions and 12-step groups. It doesn't make me at all suspicious that a company would have to use such hard sell tactics to attract sales people. Or that you seem to target down and out people rather than successful sales professionals. And I think it's perfectly normal for someone's job to become a veritable calling. Especially in something as meaningful and fulfilling as insurance sales.

I look forward to learning more about this opportunity in a large group presentation. Oops, I mean interview.

Regards,
Anna Nimus

PS- I will attach a copy of my resume.

Things to Do: Rediscover the library

2009-06-08T08:44:00.000-07:00

Now that you can no longer afford to buy books and you have all this time on your hands, it would behoove you to rediscover your local library. Now, if it's a been a while since you've been to a library, I should warn you of some recent developments. They no longer have card catalogs. (GASP!) I know- I miss them too. Remember how the mini drawers would pull out and you'd take the whole drawer to a nearby counter so you wouldn't be in the way and other people could access the drawers they needed, but occasionally someone wouldn't take their drawer elsewhere and just stand there looking through it, basically hogging the entire D-F section of the card catalog? That was so annoying. I guess it's too late for me to complain about card catalog etiquette. That ship has long since sailed. Along with TV antennas and record players and Eight is Enough re-runs. Also, you should know that a lot of libraries are no longer utilizing the Dewey Decimal System. WTF?! I know. The new system totally sucks.

I LOVED the library when I was a kid. We had a huge, old, 3-story, multi-winged house that was turned into a library. We'd go there specifically to play hide and seek because we weren't supposed to and it added a whole extra element of danger to the game. The trick was to play the game with a certain subtlety to avoid being caught and kicked out by the librarians. So much fun, being a naughty kid. I didn't always go there to cause trouble though. Sometimes I would hang out in the basement and leaf through really old Seventeen magazines. Or I'd get all obsessed with some topic and check out a giant stack of books about, say, chimpanzees. Or UFO abductions.

Guess what else has changed? They have movies! Shitloads of DVD's you can check out for free. And music CD's! And books on tape... And I just found out that my local library offers what are called "cultural passes" to local residents and library patrons. You can check out a cultural pass for the day and get into local attractions for free. Museums and gardens and historical locations that usually charge an entry fee. Score! I love the library!

Things to do:
- Greatly expand your music library for free (this may, technically, be construed as stealing).
- Borrow classic flicks and host a movie marathon.
- Genealogical research (Most libraries subscribe to Ancestry.com, which would cost you a monthly fee to use from home.)
- Join a book club to meet other bored people.
- Check out books to learn stuff, gain skills, and expand your horizons.

- Ask the librarians to look at newspaper archives on microfilm and watch them get all flustered because you're the first person to ask to use the microfilms since 1986.

Dear Farmers Insurance Recruiter / Spammer...

2009-06-04T13:18:00.000-07:00

I swear, one of these days I'm going to make my resume private/non-searchable on Careerbuilder and Monster... Does anyone else keep getting these emails from Insurance recruiters?

"Dear [my real name],

Your background and experience brought your resume on Career Builder to our attention. We would like to discuss a Farmers opportunity with you.

We offer extensive training, exceptional earning potential, 2 years of financial assistance, ownership equity and the ability to pass your agency interest to an immediate family member.

If being your own boss but having the backing and support of a huge corporation is of interest to you, please contact us. We would love the opportunity to discuss your opportunities further.

Best regards,

Katy [never mind]
Recruiting Manager
[phone number removed]

DISCLAIMER
Please be aware that the content of this email has not been reviewed or approved by CareerBuilder and is in no way endorsed by CareerBuilder. You are solely responsible for any response you choose to provide to this email and you do so at your own risk. If you have questions regarding the legitimacy of the position being offered please contact the CareerBuilder Trust and Site Security Team by submitting your inquiry to:TSST@careerbuilder.com Please also review common scams and tips for protecting yourself on CareerBuilder's Fraud Page. If you have questions or comments for and CareerBuilder, please use our feedback form."

Dear Katy,

Thank you so much for your email. This sounds like an incredible opportunity, as I have always wanted to be a farmer. Well, not always exactly. But recently I have developed an overwhelming urge. Ever since it became clear that being an artist was going to bankrupt me and I needed to find something more lucrative and realistic to do with my life. My community garden plot is coming along quite nicely and I enjoy being there tremendously. So I think farming would be the appropriate next step for me.

I especially appreciate your tagline, "Gets you back where you belong", because I feel that people are too disconnected from the source of their food nowadays and more people should be farming. They should put down their laptops and cell phones, turn off their HDTVs, go outside, breath some fresh air and get some dirt under their fingernails for a change. I have some dirt under my fingernails right now and I like it. It's shoved under there really good too. Maybe a teaspoon's worth total. Not enough to grow a radish in, but I could probably grow a dandelion.

I am relieved that you'll be providing training because I'm ashamed to say that although I hold a Bachelor of Science degree in Biology, took several botany/plant classes, know how plant cell walls are constructed, can explain the process of photosynthesis, and can rattle off Latin species names, I know remarkably little about the practical applications of how to actually grow things. I'm all theory. Wouldn't know how to wack a weed if it walked up to me and handed me its stamen.

(In case you didn't recognize it, that was a very funny joke. Please read it again.)

I'm also really looking forward to the two years of financial assistance. That will be a nice change! When will that start? Because I'd like to build a chicken coop. And I'm going to require some capital in order to do that.

Now can I grow whatever I want or will you decide for me? I'd like to farm something that doesn't grow too close to the ground. Or too high up in trees. Preferably something I can pick from a comfortable, upright position. And nothing too small and time-consuming to harvest. It would drive me insane to have to pick a whole field full of blueberries. I have nightmares like that. Seemingly never-ending, tiny, excrutiating, little, tedious, detailed task nightmares...

Oh wait. No, those are actually memories. Yeah. From my time in DNA Analyst training. When I spent a year of my life moving itsy-bitsy little bits of liquid around from one little tube to another for 9 hours a day in a windowless basement wearing polyester, a face shield and closed-toed shoes. That sucked. It was like organizing grains of sand. In a desert. With blinders on. And confined, sweaty feet. So I think I would prefer to harvest something a bit larger than blueberries. But smaller and higher up than watermelons. Maybe something beefsteak tomato-like. But not actually tomatoes because they sometimes get those freaky giant green caterpillar things. And I can't deal with those. So something tomato-like, but not tomatoes. Perhaps cucumbers.

Is cucumber farming an option or does everybody grow those? Is growing cucumbers like the Communications major of the farm world?

Well, I look forward to speaking with you further regarding this opportunity.

Best Regards,
Anna Nimus

Things to Do: Get Your Farm On

2009-05-29T10:18:00.000-07:00

If you're anything like me, you're anxiously waiting for an opportunity to drag your old overalls out from the bottom of the pile in the back of your closet. Well, you don't have to wait for them to come back in style anymore. Growing food is a wonderful way to save money, feed your soul, reduce your carbon footprint AND make use of outdated fashions.

And if you don't have a yard, that's OK! There are still things you can grow and locations begging to be made useful. My favorite new movement is guerilla gardening. This involves the appropriation of public spaces, other people's spaces or poorly used spaces for growing flowers and veggies (for example, a weed-filled traffic island or an unused empty lot). Some people even hide their fruits and veggies amidst flowers to deter potential veggie thieves. Others plant their garden in the central strip between opposing directions of freeway lanes and tend to them under the cover of night. They call themselves 'Cat Gardeners'. Yup... I totally made that up. Don't do that!

Now you probably won't have to worry about anyone stealing your swiss chard. So you go ahead and put those right out front. Then hide your strawberries behind them. And put something eye-catching (perhaps poppies...or maybe marigolds) behind the berries. This is the gardening equivalent of pointing at something in the opposite direction to distract someone's attention.

Of course, you can also make creative use of your own spaces too. If you don't have any ground to work with, you can use containers. Now, actual garden pots and containers have gotten expensive over the years. Even the cheap plastic containers aren't so cheap anymore. I got lucky and managed to snag a bunch of containers at the dollar store this past spring. For larger containers, I bought some 18 gallon plastic storage containers on sale for 5 bucks and just drilled holes in the bottom. You can also use old tires, plastic kiddie pools, buckets, tupperware, plastic bags... Some people get used tubs from local ice cream parlors and fast food restaurants. Anything that can contain dirt and drain water will work. Simply match the size of the plant to the container and be sure to drill or poke holes in the bottom.

Remember to always keep the containers that come with any plants and veggie starts you purchase! The 2-quart size is perfect for growing a head of lettuce. And you can grow your own veggie starts from seed in the little trays and smaller containers.

I, myself, am getting to be the queen of unusual garden containers (I know, you'd think I'd have my hands full what with being the Queen of Self-Indulgence!) I even recycled some plastic cat litter tubs and now my budding leeks are happy as clams. If you require additional container-related inspiration, please see my post entitled, "A Cheaper Kind of Gardening".

If you have an eye for detail, you'll notice I used little popsicle sticks as markers. Another great dollar store find. They won't last, but that's OK because they're biodegradable and I can compost them!

It's also worth mentioning that more and more community gardens are popping up around the country. Spaces are usually free or really cheap. Ours is $50 a year and that includes dirt and water. They even have tools available for us to use. In case you're wondering, yes they do have pitch forks and, yes, my husband and I posed for an American Gothic inspired photo. But we got it all wrong and smiled.

I won't go into a lot of boring details about what to grow where and how. I will mention that although they say to grow everything in full sun, that is a lie. Kind of like that the "dry clean only" labels. While that may be optimal in a full-sun-everywhere and free-dry-cleaning-for-everyone world, there are lots of things you can grow in locations with just 4-5 hours of sun per day. (And FYI, you can wash cashmere sweaters in water.)

All of the lettuces and leafy veggies do just fine with less than a full days' sun. In fact, in the heat of summer, the lettuces will thank you (by not bolting and dying). And herbs and root vegetables do OK too. Remember, most of the plants in the world (out in nature) grow just fine without anyone doing a damn thing for them. Growing stuff is not that complicated. (And despite what you may think, you're not completely in charge of the process.) Granted, you're growing things that are likely not native to where you live, but still. You don't need to get all fancy unless you want to.

I realize that getting started with all this may require a certain initial monetary investment. And dirt is more expensive than you'd think it would be considering how readily available it is. How much your supplies cost will depend on how particular you are with regard to aesthetics and how much time and patience you have. If you have an abundance of time and patience, you can find almost anything you might need for free or super cheap. Craigslist is always a great source for free stuff. Trees, plants, veggie starts, seeds, containers... Often you just need to be able to dig it up and/or haul it away. Need stepping stones? On any given day you'll likely find a contractor or homeowner with a pile of broken cement pieces from an old patio that they don't know what to do with. It's not just a garden- it's an art project!

Want to start plants from seed? Here's a seed exchange site where you can request or trade seeds for free. Remember, you can also save seeds from fruits and veggies you buy and grow.

There is nothing quite like the sense of accomplishment and self-sufficiency that comes with harvesting your own homegrown fruits and vegetables. Plus you can grow things you'd never find in stores. If you have extra produce, you can freeze it, can it or dehydrate it and use it over the winter. You can give some to your neighbors. Or you can save it in case things get even worse. You know, like if your unemployment compensation runs out. Or if the end of western civilization descends upon us and money loses all value and American grocery stores begin to resemble Eastern Bloc grocery stores. You won't feel like such a schmuck with your dirt-filled kiddie pool and your pitchfork then! When everyone else is choking down squirrel and tree bark soup, you'll be savoring roasted fingerling potatoes with rosemary and green bean arugula salad.

Hmmm... Maybe we should get some chickens.

Dear Home Depot...

2009-05-15T14:31:00.001-07:00

I just returned from shopping at one of your stores and I'd like to give you some feedback regarding my experience today. I didn't make any large purchases. Just picked up a few veggie starts for my garden. I'm going to try growing lemon cucumbers and Japanese cucumbers this year. I almost got some Armenian cucumbers too because I think it would be nice to incorporate some serious cucumber diversity into my life (as the only cucumbers I've ever known have been the standard grocery store variety), but really, how many cucumbers can one person eat? My husband won't touch them. I don't know why. How can you not like cucumbers? They're crunchy and taste like water. What's not to like? I know why. His mother turned him into a picky eater. Probably fed him nothing but chicken fingers and fish sticks. So maybe next year.

Now, I've never grown cucumbers before but for some reason I think they get sort of tall and viney and the fruits hang off the plant. And if that's the case, then they need to be staked or trellised, right? So I was thinking that one of the easiest and most economical ways to stake them might be to use a tomato cage.

So I went up to the cash register with my little plants to be rung up and I asked the cashier if I could use tomato cages to support my cucumber plants. To this, she rather gleefully and gradiosely replied, "I have no idea!" She said this as if she was particularly proud of her ignorance and it was the most entertaining thing in the world that I'd asked her. (Kind of the way I reply when someone asks me about bowling. But then, I don't work in a bowling alley.) Huh. I didn't even know how to respond, so I gave her a hearty, "Well, OK then!"

I have to say, her blatant honesty was refreshing. I appreciated it. I really did. Because had she pretended to be helpful, she might have just lied and said, "Yes, actually tomato cages work really well as cucumber supports." And then I would have gone off into the world thinking I was so clever to come to that conclusion all on my own and then I might have ended up being the laughing stock of the community garden. It wouldn't be the first time. There was that time back '03 when I tried to stake my tomatoes and peppers with duct tape and PVC pipe. It was years before people called me by my actual name and not Duct Tape Girl. I certainly don't want them to start referring to me as Tomato Cage Girl.

Anyway, I sure am glad she didn't hold up the line by trying to find out for me. That would have been embarrassing. I am very uncomfortable with any sort of "above and beyond" style of service. It makes me feel guilty. I don't know why. In general I like to do all the legwork for my purchases myself. I like to hunt down what I'm looking for without any help. Sometimes I don't even read the aisle signs- just to give myself an extra little challenge. When I finally find what I'm looking for, I like to compare and contrast the options by reading the boxes and turning them around and pulling them off the shelves by myself (especially if they're big and heavy). And I like to try and figure out which item matches which price label (because they're usually not in the right place on the shelf and god forbid anyone would go to the trouble of applying actual price stickers to anything). I like to think of the whole experience as a little exercise in patience and critical thinking. Keeps my brain sharp. Turns shopping into a major accomplishment. Not like those Nordstrom shopper wussies.

You can just imagine my displeasure when I go to high-end specialty shops and knowledgeable salespeople try to "help" me by showing me where things are and explaining product feature differences. I really friggin' hate that. And then they stand there waiting for you to decide so they can carry your purchase to the register for you. Awful.

That's why I love shopping at Home Depot. No pressure. No knowledgeable salespeople. And also because I like the challenge of reviving half dead plants that have been left in full sun to fend for themselves with regard to their moisture needs.

As you might imagine, I also like what you've done with the self-check out. I can't tell you how many anguished years of my childhood I spent desperately longing to pass items across the little scanner and make them beep. Seriously. And they would never let me near the thing. So finally, now I get my chance. And I'm not at all offended by the fact that I'm spending a ton of money at your store and you can't even be bothered to provide me with the lowest common denominator of customer service in the form of a minimum wage earning high school drop out cashier. Some people might be bothered by that, but not me. I like it.

Beep.

Fun with Spammers: Dear Major Larry Downs...

2009-04-30T08:10:00.000-07:00

I was wondering how I might best utilize my morning when I was greeted with the following email. (Yay! One hour killed. Now what?) Here it is (and [sic] for the whole thing):

Greetings,
I know you would be surprised to read from someone relatively unknown to youbefore. My name is Major. Larry Downs, a member of the ARMY USARPAC
Medical Team, which was deployed to Iraq in the beginning of the war in Iraq.

I would like to share some highly personal classified information about my
personal experience and role which I played in the pursuit of my career servingunder the U.S 1st Armored which was at the fore-front of the war in.

Though, I would like to hold back certain information for security reasons for now until you have find the time to visit the BBC website stated below to enable you have insight as to what I'm intending to share with you, believing that it would be of your desired interest one-way or the other.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/2988455.stm

Also, could you get back to me having visiting the above website to enable us discuss in a more clarifying manner to the best of your understanding. I must say that I'm very uncomfortable sending this message to you without knowing truly if you would misconstrue the importance and decides to go public. In this regards, I will not hold back to say that the essence of this message is strictly for mutual benefit of you and I and nothing more.

I will be vivid and coherent in my next message in this regards, meanwhile,
could you send me a mail confirming you have visited the site and we can partner in the project i have .
Thanks,
Best Regards
Major Larry Downs

So then I said:

Dear Major Downs,

You're right. I am surprised to hear from you (and "read" from you, as you put it). I'm also surprised that you consider yourself to be relatively unknown to me, when in fact you are completely unknown to me. In any case, I'm writing to confirm that I received your email and I invite you to respond "vividly and coherently" with regard to the veiled intention of your email. I'm especially looking forward to the "coherent" part.

I should say that I appreciate you choosing me, out of the billions of possible email addresses in the world, to share this matter with-- a matter which is both highly personal and related to matters of classified national security. I'm glad that you think so highly of me and chose to entrust me with whatever it is you're implying you will be entrusting me with. Is it because of my Facebook page? I work really hard to come across as amiable (that means friendly) on my Facebook page. REALLY hard. Because I'm not actually amiable, I just try to make people think I am.

Well, I visited the web site link and read the BBC news story to which you are referring and I found no mention of you. Of course, considering the classified nature of your position in this situation, I suppose one must expect a certain amount of secrecy! I am sorry to hear that some of your cohorts were caught. Bummer. You must feel very alone. Alone and scared and surrounded by vast fortune. (Well, that's more for us, right?)

So if I read between the lines, it seems as if you're trying to tell me that you stole a large amount of this huge hidden money stash? (Or is it BULLION??? I would love some BULLION!!! BOOYAH, BULLION!!! And I don't mean soup, baby!) And you need my help? And in exchange for my help, you'll share it with me. Is that a correct assessment? OK, here's what you need to do. You need to get a whole bunch of Madonna statues (as in Jesus's mother, not the Material Girl). And you need to hide the money in those and then send them on a plane with some missionaries. Trust me. This will totally work because no one expects religious statues to contain stolen money or missionaries to transport stolen money. And this is how they transport illegal stuff on TV. (TV is a very useful tool for people wishing to learn how to become criminals.)

I appreciate that you specifically stated that your message (and our subsequent partnership) is purely for our mutual benefit and nothing more. Had you not stated that, I might have thought you had less than pure intentions in contacting me. (My Facebook photo is unrealistically good.) And I want you to know right now that love can never blossom between us. Because I am married. But if you want to give me money, I'm sure my husband would find that perfectly agreeable.

Faithfully Yours,

Anna Nimus

PS- What exactly does a "Servingunder" do? Would you recommend that as a career choice- like, is it something that you can do as a civilian as well?

Things to Do: Create a Book Proposal

2009-04-29T10:32:00.000-07:00

One of the potentially most rewarding endeavors you could engage in (after the purchase of lottery tickets) is the creation of a book proposal. Look what it did for the "Stuff White People Like" guy! However, you should be aware that like all other creative pursuits (visual art, acting, singing etc.), you will have people telling you that you suck and they're not interested in your work until you either A) make it, or B) give up, crawl away and die (metaphorically speaking, of course). So this is not a project for the faint-hearted. This is for those die-hard, wish upon a star, fairytale-believing, follow your dreams, "Do What You Love the Money Will Follow", "Secret" people. You know... Suckers. Saps. People like me. People that repeatedly fall flat on their faces and just keep getting right back up again. Stubborn people.

So I wrote my little book proposal and I sent out my little book proposal. And I received the following email first thing this morning from a bonafide New York Literary Agent. Here's how it went:

Thanks for your query. I'm not "there" -as in whatever place that would be a there to visualize a strong market for your book and to include myself as a passionate member of your audience.

I could -and maybe should - just write "no thank you" and leave well enough alone. However, maybe because of the hour (2:40AM) or my belief that you have creativity and a passion to express it, I will offer up my opinion (and just my opinion) that you are currently off the mark. I found your proposal sprawling and self-indulgent.

Harsh words indeed. But I write them from a belief that you have the creative goods to give more thought and better shape to something that entertains and inspires. If I thought you were a total hack, I would have simply written "no thank you."

Hate me if you must.

[name, web site and contact info removed]

OUCH. "Sprawling and self-indulgent." Is it just me or does that part of the email glow? However, it does give me a sliver of a bone doesn't it? That means I shouldn't give up, right? It means I should have hope and keep trying. It means I should respond back!!!

Dear Mr. [nevermind],

Thank you for your super speedy, very Simon Cowell-ish response. (You're an "American Idol" fan aren't you?) I don't quite know how to respond. I guess a thank you is in order for the backhanded compliment. (I'll take whatever I can get.)

As for my proposal, I prepared it in a manner that I believed to be correct. I'm certainly willing to rework it if I receive some constructive criticism. However, I'm just not sure how to fix "sprawling and self-indulgent". Would you be interested in offering me some additional direction? Was it because I mentioned David Sedaris? Does everybody do that? Is that like comparing oneself to Jesus? Actually, perhaps "self-indulgent" perfectly summarizes this entire project because the whole reason I do the blog is to entertain myself. So maybe you're spot-on with that characterization. In fact, I think I am the queen of self-indulgent. (That would make an excellent cartoon.)

I would like to say that while my proposal may convey an odor of literary naivete, may I ask what you think of the book? Or of the blog entries that will become the book? I will admit that I don't know how to sell myself. However, I've gotten pretty darn good at being myself and that's all I'm trying to do with my writing, artwork etc. I am trying to embrace all that has gone wrong, along with the few things that have gone right. And I think there may be lots of other people in a similar position. People who are trying to find a reason to smile, who derive some comfort in knowing they are not alone, and who are trying to remember that all of this suckiness will eventually pass if they just keep dragging their deflated asses out of bed every morning and keep going no matter what.

As for the potential market, there are currently over 13 million unemployed people in the US alone. (source: http://www.bls.gov/news.release/pdf/empsit.pdf) But my book is not just for unemployed people- it's first and foremost meant to be a humor book and secondarily, a personal narrative.

Warm Regards,
Anna " not a total hack" Nimus

PS- It's a good thing I still have the thick skin I developed over the past month or so doing my Census Bureau address canvassing job. Otherwise, your email might have made me cry. :) But I'm going to keep it because someday maybe we can look back at it and say, "HA!". (Just like I did when my Botany professor told me I couldn't get straight A's if I took 6 upper division science classes.)

PPS- Oooooooohhh.... IDEA! Maybe our email correspondence could be the epilogue?!!!

PPPS- Hey... was your email a purposeful attempt at getting published on my blog? Good job. I'm totally falling for it. But I won't use your name. (Be sure to look for the "queen of self-indulgence" cartoon later today.)

The Queen of Self-Indulgence

Dear Invisible Fence Company...

2009-04-27T16:20:00.000-07:00

Oh no you di'n't. But you DID. Your google ad is on my blog!!! NO WAY. I am totally going to have to block your ad. Actually, I don't want to have to go to the trouble of figuring out how to block your google ad from my site, so since you probably have a web ad/analytics/marketing guy, I'm going to request that you handle the removal of your ad from my blog yourself. You see, my time is very valuable because I'm not being paid for my work. (It makes sense.) In essence, my time is priceless. My work is sort of a special gift, a 'calling' if you will.

And besides, if you read what I wrote about your invisible fence on my blog, I'm quite certain you wouldn't care to advertise here. Because I made it blazonly clear that I hate invisible fences. (See how I made that word up by adverbicating a known word? I also just verbified the word 'adverb'. I think that's pretty good too. Wow, I'm on wordification roll today!)

But I digress... Back in the day, it was customary to place large "BEWARE OF DOG" signs on a gate leading to one's enclosed (by an ACTUAL fence) backyard. Nowadays, apparently it has become a favored practice among the stingy rich to contain their scary ass canine creatures within a space consisting of a quasi- "boundary" on their big ass properties of which they are too cheap to enclose with a real fence. And instead of warning prospective door-knockers and meter readers and package dropper-offers that a large beast (or two) has free reign on the ENTIRE property, including the walkway up to the front door, they have these little TINY signs or occasionally tiny lawn flags (which just look like some sort of construction marker that you can't even read unless the wind is blowing) that simply say "invisible fence".

Now, until your life has actually been endangered by accidently overlooking these little signs and flags on numerous occasions, a tiny sign reading "invisible fence" is blatantly meaningless. While criminals may very well know to look for these markers, normal non-invisible-fence-having people simply don't notice them. Therefore, it comes as a HUGE surprise when a decent, regular person simply doing their job or trying spread God/Buddha/Jehovah/Krisha's love encounters two great danes charging toward them at full speed with snarled faces and exposed fangs (Hey, maybe those are their names!?). And if the dogs don't kill you, the heart attack that follows very well may.

One has to wonder how many times an owner who was too cheap to put up a real fence ended up spending way more money on a lawsuit brought upon him by someone who was bitten by his dog when the person unknowingly and rightfully entered into the invisibly fenced space? Just desserts perhaps? (Hmm. Maybe that's not the proper phrase to use when a dog makes a meal of a person.)

So anyway, I thought I'd take some time to share with you my dissatisfaction with your product and offer some suggestions for improvement.

My suggestions:

1. MUCH LARGER SIGNS. Flashing, neon signs. Signs that don't hang limply folded up in the absence of gale force winds. Signs that warn not of an invisible fence, but of the rabid, unleashed beast(s) who have free reign of the property and who may or may not be contained by said invisible fence (and extra pissed off if they cross the barrier and are administered an electric shock).

2. I think you should create an invisible fence system that gives potential fence crossers from the outside (mailmen, Census workers, religious crusaders etc.) an electric shock when they attempt to enter. This would be preferable to having the beejezus scared out of us or losing a limb. They have something like this on "Lost". Maybe you can use that as your source of inspiration?

3. You should sell a street side doorbell. And it should be at the top of a permanently-mounted, street-side ladder. That way, house visitors have somewhere safe to go in the event that an angry, very recently electrocuted, headstrong dog passes the invisible "barrier".

4. Maybe you should sell an invisible dog to go along with your invisible fence? I think this would sell really well among the more sadistic invisible fence owners (I suspect that's a fairly large percentage). Imagine the potentially wildly successful YouTube video that might result from having an invisible dog attack a tambourine-yielding Hare Krishna within the "boundaries" of an invisible fence.

Your Friendly Neighborhood Disgruntled Census Bureau Worker,

Anna Nimus

Cover Letter: Private Laundry Person

2009-04-27T15:18:00.000-07:00

Care of Craigslist, here is the job I'm applying for today:

Private Laundry Person
Private family desires an experienced person to handle laundry responsibilities.

The ideal candidate will have experience in:

Caring for and have knowledge of laundry requirements of all types of clothing and linens.
Washing, ironing, steaming, mending clothing and linens
Experience in operating a press machine is a plus
Must be able to read and understand laundry instructions on garments
Organization of wardrobe and household linens.
Correct storage of all different types of garments.
Packing for short/long trips.

Please send a summary of your experience in these areas either through a resume or within an email correspondence.

Here is my response:

To Whom This May Concern;

I'm writing in response to the vacant Private Laundry Person position posted on Craigslist. Now, when you say you're seeking a Private Laundry Person, are you seeking a private person to do your laundry (like someone who's quiet and keeps to themselves) or a person to do your private laundry (like your undies)?

You may wonder why I ask. It's because although I'm quite capable of washing undies (i.e. private laundry), I'm not a private person at all. In fact, I can hardly keep my mouth shut about anything and I think I'd probably be inclined air your dirty laundry in public. HA. Funny. Just kidding. I promise I won't tell anyone what kind of underwear you wear. You indicated that you are a "private family" so I imagine you wouldn't appreciate that very much. ESPECIALLY if you have anything from Frederick's Of Hollywood!

But seriously, I have a significant amount of prior laundry experience, although thus far, it has all been at the amateur level. This would be my first time washing laundry in a professional capacity. But I can assure you that I am competent, skilled and educated in the laundry arts. I even know how soap works at the microscopic level. You see, there's a hydrophobic (water-hating) and a hydrophillic (water-loving) end on each soap molecule. And the hydrophobic end is attracted to the grease, grime, dirt and organic materials deposited on your dirty clothing. Then the water comes and whisks away (hey...that's where they get name for that detergent!) the little soap molecules by their hydrophillic ends and off goes the soap molecule, along with any dirt clinging to the other (hydrophobic) end. Voila! All clean.

I am also really good at folding clothes. I learned this while working in retail. So there you go. I have professional laundry folding experience. However, I should note that I've never mastered the ability to fold fitted sheets. They pretty much always end up as a wrinkled, rolled up clump in the linen closet. Is that a biggie for you? I'm sure there is some way to properly fold them. I mean they come nicely folded in the package. Maybe we'll have to visit a fitted sheet manufacturing facility and learn how they do it. I LOVE field trips! You will be reimbursing me for my travel though, right?

And as if my knowledge of surfactant (soap) chemistry and my professional laundry folding experience wasn't enough to make me a top contender for this position, I can also offer you the ability to read, understand AND TRANSLATE washing instructions. But why would I need to translate washing instructions, you ask (when my grasp of the English language is so obviously magnificent)? Because the washing instructions for most garments are way more anal than they need to be. This is a CYA maneuver on the part of the manufacturer. They say we need to "hand wash in cold water" or "dry clean only" everything. But that's not true. Normal people don't wash things according to the directions. And if I dry-cleaned everything that said it needed dry-cleaning, I'd be living in The Poor House. (I don't know where The Poor House actually is, but I know it's somewhere nearby because growing up, my parents often referred to possibility of us moving there.)

I also have a degree in Biology, but I don't think I'll be using much of that for this particular position. However, if you require additional chores that make use of my biological knowledge (plant grafting, animal behavior, worm composting, removing the cilia from flagellates and tracking the amount of time it takes them to grow back while under the influence of protein synthesis inhibitors, etc.), I will have to charge you extra.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Regards,

Anna Nimus

PS- I don't know if you really need to specify that you're seeking someone who can read if you're advertising in writing. I think the limiting factor is sort of built into the advertisement, no?

PPS- It doesn't really hurt the flagellates when you remove their cilia. Because they don't have brains and can't process pain information. Seriously. It's way more mean to pull a leg off of a fruit fly, which can occasionally happen accidently when you give them some FlyNap and try to organize them according to their physical traits using tweezers. (I was REALLY sorry.)

Fun with Temp Jobs: Census Bureau (Part 6)

2009-04-25T09:36:00.000-07:00

I am done. I canvassed my last addresses today. And for a little while I actually thought my last day might be OK considering I was no longer going door to door. Then I met a sweet old man and his little basset hound and I liked them both very much. I even had some sunshine to work with. But then... Walking through the middle of my last townhouse complex, it all went down hill in an instant. Anyway, I'm done now and I will never do this job again.

Here is my haiku for the day- I call it "Ode to the Last Asshole":

old man stood too close

grabbed my neck badge, eyed it good

nasty old fucker

AND I have another special surprise for you today. Not only do you get a haiku, but you also get two cartoons! Not one. Two. Yay.

Here they are- I call them "First Day on the Job" and "Worst Day on the Job":

I am always happy when my misery can be utilized as a source of entertainment and amusement for others. (I'm really giving in that way.)

Fun with Temp Jobs: Census Bureau (Part 5)

2009-04-22T13:50:00.001-07:00

Whew! Another eventful day. I think I should start a Census Bureau address canvassing bingo game with my coworkers and we could mark things off as we come across them: Talking to someone at an intercom at a big iron driveway gate: check. Being chased by attack dogs: check. Going down a long dirt driveway into "Deliverance" country and encountering a man with a foot-long beard working on a multitude of junky old trucks: check.

I think someone called the police on me today. (Check. That would be the center square of my bingo card). It's happened to other Census Bureau workers here already and the way people have responded to me, I'm not completely surprised. Totally insulted, but not surprised.

I started the morning canvassing in a quiet little cul-de-sac. Then I moved on to the next block over and when I was finished, I drove back to the cul-de-sac I started on to check on a missing address and there was a police car leaving as I pulled in. It's a small little side street that they probably never normally drive through, so I'm pretty sure he was there because of me. Of course, they already know that we're out address canvassing because they've been called multiple times about us already. So when he saw my very obvious car (bright color, distinctive style) pulling in, I'm sure he saw me and just didn't bother to stop and talk to me.

And I only cried one time today. You know why I only cried once? Was it because there were no more big dogs? No. Was it because they finally ran a news story telling people that census workers are actually really out address canvassing and if one of them comes to your door, they are not scam artists? No. (They ignored my email request for a news story because apparently running random news stories about car crashes in other states is somehow more useful to people. If it bleeds, it leads...)

The reason I only cried one time today is because after the first time, I decided I'd had quite enough of people and I stopped going to people's doors. I broke protocol. Yup. I stopped caring about being a diligent worker. I just stopped. Obviously these people don't care about an accurate census and having the proper number of elected officials in the district or funds for their schools and police agencies and streets and libraries. So if they don't care, I don't care.

Now, I just deal strictly with houses and numbers. And I don't care if they fire me. I swear I would quit if there wasn't a good chance that sticking it out just one more week might result in me being able to get a tiny little unemployment check. Maybe I'll even get enough to cover my student loan payment. I think that would be fair since I'm not really using my education anymore anyway.

You want to know who made me cry? I went to this one house (little ranch, nothing fancy), and while the young woman who came to the door was perfectly pleasant and nice, her dickhead husband/boyfriend/whatever was standing in the background looking all pissed off and asshole-ish at me. So then she answered my one question about the extra living quarters and as I was leaving and walking up the driveway, Mr. Fuckface Napoleonic Complex pokes his ugly little mean face out the door and says in a nasty, angry, accusatory tone, "Don't you want to know how many people live here?" He was all attitude-y, like "Ah ha- I caught you, you criminal" at me. Because Mr. Fuckface is such a smarty pants, he knows the census is for counting people. Can't pull the wool over your eyes, Einstein. Good thing I didn't pull out my ether perfume samples or try one of my other email-circulated urban myth tactics on him.

Obviously Mr. Fuckface forgot that the census questionnaires come in the mail, addressed to an address. And you know how they get those addresses, smart guy? They get unemployed, desperate schmucks like me to knock on doors and be verbally abused by assholes like you.

He was so busy jumping to conclusions and being a big dick, he forgot to put on his thinking cap. (Maybe they don't make thinking caps in the "fat-head" size?)

You know what the worst part if this is? You know how I actually responded? My chance to shine, my one opportunity to make a smart ass comment... I politely told him that they'd be sending the questionnaires in January. WTF?!!!! What is wrong with me? I'm all big-talky loudmouth girl on my anonymous blog and in real life, I'm a hypersensitive scared mouse. I hate that. And on top of it, when people get all suspicious of me, I get uncomfortable and I start stammering and pretty soon, I'm acting suspiciously.

Well, I will be sending him a copy of my book when it comes out. Even if I have to self-publish it, I will have the last word. And I'll send a copy to the local library so all the citizens of [never mind] can read about all the jerky people who live here.

And you know what? I'm also going to send copies of my book to the "not now!!!" neighbor who lives about four houses away from me, the "invisible fence/two great dane" house, the "I'm going to completely ignore you and keep my back turned while my dog is attacking you and you're screaming for help" house and finally, the "SLAM the door, ha-ha, plastic-faced dragon lady" whose son thought it was so funny when she slammed the door in my face that I could clearly hear him laughing from outside. Oh! And I almost forgot "Mr. I don't tell anybody anything because of the internet" man. I think he deserves a book too, don't you think? Now, this is not an exhaustive list of all the assholes I've encountered, but it does include all of my favorites.

You know, I thought when I signed up for this that it would be a step up from having a menial job, that there was some respectability in working for the US Census Bureau. I thought I'd get to meet some neighbors and interact with fellow citizens of my town. After working by myself for three years, my husband thought it would healthy for me to interact with people. Ha! Fuck people. Dishwasher Pete had the right idea. Working alone all day is fantastic. I am a rock, I am an island. No personas por favor. Do you see what this job is doing to me? It's very bad for my self-esteem. Now I'm all angry and pissed off everyday. I used to be fun and funny and light-hearted. Have you read some of my earlier, pre- crappy job posts? I used to be delightful.

Delightful.

Fun with Temp Jobs: Census Bureau (Part 4)

2009-04-20T19:40:00.000-07:00

A Very Bad Day

This. Job. SUCKS. I hate people with their big fucking scary ass dogs and their invisible fences with their tiny, itty bitty, little signs telling people they have an invisible fence (and hence, unleashed dogs). I really need these signs to be bigger and maybe flourescent and flashing? Great big warning signs- like FREEWAY ENDS... SCHOOL CROSSING... INVISIBLE FENCE CONTAINING UNLEASHED, UNPREDICTABLE CANINE WARRIOR.

In fact, I'd very much like for the invisible fence to be visible, like an ACTUAL fence.

Can I sue someone for scaring the shit out of me? I nearly lost my life 3 times today. And the last time, there were two HUGE GREAT DANES. Not one. TWO!!! Two great danes running full speed towards me barking angrily. I almost climbed a mailbox. It was all I had. And then I cried for the 3rd time in one day.

Fucking invisible fences. Fucking dogs. Fucking asshole owners. I truly hope that someday they really need an ambulance and that when the paramedics come, they refuse to get out of the ambulance. Yes I do wish that. Yes I do.

It's never a bichon frise contained by an invisible fence. Or a dachshund. Or a pet Llama. Not even golden retrievers. No, it's always some aggressive, testosterone-y dog with big teeth and loud scary bark. Usually a breed without a tail so you have no clue what it's thinking.

How do these people even receive packages? Does the UPS driver just slow down and toss things over the (invisible) fence? If I send them a box of dog shit, how will it get there?

Fun with Temp Jobs: Census Bureau (Part 3)

2009-04-17T19:06:00.000-07:00

Ok, I've completed two full weeks of canvassing now and I am not any skinnier yet. I am also starting to really friggin' hate this job. Today, it was raining again and I hate doing this in the rain. It makes me feel incredibly wilted and drippy. And lame. And pissed off that I have to do this.

Plus, the area I'm canvassing right now was planned in such a way to allow for maximum lot size and minimum street size. Therefore every time a car passes, I have to choose between staying on the pavement and risking my life or standing in a muddy ditch. And god forbid two BMW's happen to come at the same time going in opposite directions because I'm pretty sure when faced with crashing their cars into each other or mowing down a pedestrian (and I do mean 'pedestrian' in the derogatory sense of the word), I will be roadkill.

As an existentialist, I can appreciate the absurdity of experiencing unrelenting unpredictability at every single door I knock on. It's a surprise every single time. And I can't tell you how profoundly happy I am every time nobody answers. Or the relief I feel when someone smiles at me and seems genuinely kind.

Here I am, basically exactly the same person at every door- same face, same clothes, same age, same voice. (Although... my voice has gotten higher over the past two weeks and I'm starting to revert to what an old friend of mine used to call my "mouse voice", which I tend to use when asking a busy waitress for something... if you can explain this to me, please do.) Anyway... I'm the same person at every door. And yet, the reaction I get from people? ALL OVER THE PLACE.

I'm getting really tired of people looking at me like I'm up to something. I'm tired of people eyeing me skeptically. I'm tired of people pausing when I ask them if they have additional living quarters in their homes and watching the little wheels turn in their brains as they frantically search for any possible way this information might be used to scam them. Tired of it. The CENSUS... Jesus people, they do this every ten years. It's not new. And if I was a robber I wouldn't be wearing a bright red rain coat. (I wear a lot of red because I'm hoping my increased visibility will prevent me from getting run over.) What is it about me that makes me look so untrustworthy? Is it my 'mom jeans'? Did you not notice my very spectacular wedding set?

I can't look like a drug addict because I'm not thin enough and my teeth are all present and in good condition. I don't know what it is. Today I actually had someone open one of those little mini peephole doors and talk to me through it. Like in a movie? Those little mini doors with bars on the outside? I swear to god. I desperately wanted to ask why she didn't have a moat. When she finally hesitantly opened the door to accept the informational hand-out, I was hoping she'd have a hunchback because that would have made the story even better. But she turned out to be fully upright. :(

And then there was one house that was so hidden by shrubbery you could hardly see it from the street. Even the driveway leading up to it was so grown over with bushes and tree branches, it had obviously been years since an actual car has passed over it. So of course I wasn't about to walk up in there and knock on that door. Obviously, a serial killer lives there.

Then there was the house on the great big lot with a large dog barking somewhere behind all their big bushes and a sign in front that said the dog was fenced in by an invisible electric fence. Huh. Comforting. So he'll only be able to attack me within the confines of your property then?

I have a whole new respect and sympathy for mailmen now. So far, all the dogs who I've come into contact with have been friendly. However, I've had my heart stop on numerous occasions. Twice in the past 2 weeks, I've had dogs bark at me from inside and suddenly pop up next to me outside. A few years ago (pre-census work), I actually saw a big dog put his head right through a window in an attempt to reach us passersbys (can I use that plurally? Is 'plurally' even a word?) Anyway, my point is that having a huge dog bark ferociously at me from behind a front door does not necessarily put my mind at ease because every time it happens, I half expect Cujo to come tearing through the decorative door side window, topple the topiary, crush the hedgehog bristle shoe cleaner (everyone has one), leap up and rupture my jugular.

Maybe the biggest absurdity in this situation is the irony that I'm just as scared of the people who are scared of me. There is a reason I stand like 5 feet away from the front door. I have already practiced the scenario in my head in which I inform the bad guy that the GPS inside my handheld computer is tracking every move I make and they will know where to come looking for me if I turn up dead or missing. And the fact that I have a secret emergency call button just like the banks have. Yup. I'm a walking CSI show. No, I don't really have a call button. But that's my emergency spiel and I rehearse it every time I have to walk down a very long driveway to an isolated flag-lot house with one too many "no trespassing" (or "these colors don't run") signs in their front yard.

And if the reason you're looking at me like that is because you're the one who is up to no good, believe me, I don't want to know. I am not INS nor FBI nor DEA. I'm just some schmuck walking 5 miles a day through the rain verifying addresses. That's it. So please don't shoot me. I am not the government. I just want to do my crappy little job so that I can pay for proper orthopedic shoes and eventually get an unemployment check till I find a real job.

Try a New Food Tuesday: Yams (Or Are They Sweet Potatoes?)

2009-04-16T16:13:00.000-07:00

Today we will be preparing and enjoying yams. Unless it turns out that what I bought are actually sweet potatoes, in which case we will be having the vegetable formerly known as 'yam'. I have only had sweet potatoes once, although now I'm not so sure since it appears that there is some genuine confusion as to which is which because apparently the US has its own common folk definitions which differ from the scientific definitions and the definitions universally accepted by the rest of the world. (Kind of like how we like to change the names of all the countries in the world to better suit our aptitude for pronunciation?)

I don't know. I googled, I wikipedia'd and I still don't know what it is I bought. So this is a photo of what I have:

And this is what I'll be referring to them as:

Yams.

And this is what I made with them:

I will call this dish "I Yam What I Yam Cheesy Melts".

Or perhaps.... Wait. Drum roll... (This is so good.) "My Yammy Vice"

I know. I'm a clever girl. Here is the recipe:

You'll need:

1. yams/ sweet potatoes/ WHATEVER

2. whatever non-fancy cheese you have on hand (but not blue cheese)

3. green onions

4. milk

5. salt, pepper

Do this:

1. Bake the yams at about 350-375 till they're soft inside. Like their very distant potato cousins, this will take a very long time.

2. Cool. While they're cooling, chop some onions. Then shred your cheese- however much you think you'll need. More tastes better, but less is healthier. (Slide your scale of cheese usage according to your own preferences and needs.)

3. Cut the cooled yams in half lengthwise and scoop out the insides. Place in a bowl. Add a splash of milk. I don't know how much- it depends on how many yams you have. Just enough to make them blend easier. Blend well (or just mix with a fork if you're lazy and don't mind lumps). Then add the onions and the shredded cheese, a little salt and pepper.

4. Then take your cheesy yam mix and spoon it back into your yam skins. Bake again till hot and melty- 350 for about 15-20 minutes)

5. Mmmm...

OK, not so much. They were acceptable. Edible. If I was prisoner in that movie "Papillon", I'd probably be really happy to get one of these for dinner. (I'm saying I'd rather eat yams than cockroaches.) So after a few bites of 'I Yam What I Yam Cheesy Melts', I opted for a frozen Marie Callender's fish dinner. And so did my husband who proceeded to tell me, "I don't like New Food Tuesdays". So there you go.

I do think a yam pie would be very good and now I understand why people put marshmallows on them and eat them like a dessert- because they taste more like pumpkin pie than pumpkins do. Or I think they'd make a good ingredient for health bars, perhaps mixed with dates and nuts. They just don't make for a good potato substitute. I won't give up on yams completely, but it will be a while before I make them again. Maybe next time I'll make a "Marshmallow My Yammy Vice Pie"...

Things to Do: Create a List of Status Updates You Don't Have the Guts to REALLY Post on Your Facebook Page

2009-04-13T05:44:00.000-07:00

A running list of considered and then discarded status updates for my Facebook Page:

1. Anna is... considering alcoholism as an alternative to sober misery.

2. Anna is... wondering why she ever signed up for a Facebook account.

3. Anna is... picking flecks of dandruff off of her cat, but they just keep coming.

4. Anna is... suffering the consequences of attempting to inflict an alcoholic lifestyle upon her (apparently) delicate constitution.

5. Anna is... wondering if there really are dead people watching over us and if so, do they get grossed out when you pick your nose?

6. Anna is... bitter and lonely. Fuck you. Don't talk to me.

7. Anna is... probably enjoying cleaning out of her toenails much more than people are supposed to.

8. Anna is... plucking hairs from all the places she shouldn't have hairs.

9. Anna is... incorporating more fiber into her diet.

10. Anna is... a little bit mean, deep down where she can hide it from people. (Just a little bit.)

11. Anna is... wondering if she's too old, too flabby, or too prudish to be a stripper.

12. Anna is... trying to do the booty clap and failing miserably, despite all the junk in her trunk.

13. Anna is... shopping for orthopedic shoes.

14. Anna is... feeling very sexy in her orthopedic shoes, doing the booty clap.

15. Anna is... suffering from boob itch. (That's when one of your nipples itches really bad, usually in a public place.)

16. Anna is... on a writing roll because it's her good hormone time of the month. (Apparently ovulation induces creativity.)

17. Anna is... wondering if her ability to write and paint will shrivel up along with her ovaries when menopause descends upon her.

18. Anna is... sick of always reading perfect little happy sunshine status updates from the same people. (Liars.) Please keep your incessant positivity to yourselves.

19. Anna is... wondering if pasties are actually attached with paste?

20. Anna is... marveling at the length and girth of her bowel movement. (Thank you fruits and veggies!)

21. Anna is... wishing she could find her yearbook so she could figure out who some of you people are.

22. Anna is... re-enacting the burping/arm-flapping scene from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. (The 1971 version, which is better.)

23. Anna is... Oh... God... Damn it... Excrutiating (gurgle gurgle)... Too. Much. Cheese... Damn you enchiladas... and all your undigestible lactose.

24. Anna is... curious where the term, "for shits and giggles" came from and wondering why she likes it so much.

25. Anna is... sick of hearing about what a fancy life certain people supposedly have: Ladeedah... Being spoon-fed a foie gras and Russian caviar croissant breakfast in bed (1800 thread count sheets, of course!) by my butler, whilst admiring the penthouse view of Monaco and, alas, suffering through a deep tissue foot massage... Really, shut the fuck up. (And where did your 19th century Jane Eyre speaking style suddenly come from?)

26. Anna is... bummed that she accidentally wore her "riding up" undies on her (subsequently) long and painful walk this morning.

27. Anna is... thinking she must be a huge geek if the thought of being given a hexadecimal color poster reminiscent of the periodic table could make her cum.

Dear Amy Ryan of Veston Group (Scammer!!!)

2009-04-09T07:49:00.000-07:00

Brand-spankin' new... The latest unemployment job scam email:

Dear [nevermind],

Firstly, let me introduce myself – Amy Ryan, official representative of
Veston Group Inc.
We were lucky to find your resume at careerbuilder.com! After careful resume
reviewing I'm glad to propose you a FINANCIAL AGENT position.

Few words about Veston Group. Our company was founded in the USA.
For a long time we have been dealing with financial services like escrow for
buyers and sellers at online auctions. Our business is also connected with
ebay.com, amazon.com, yahoo.com.

Our Company offers part-time job with a great flexible schedule. Work only 2-3
hours a day (Mon- Fri) from your home! Requirements: Internet access and e-mail.
It's a real job so no need to invest your own money to apply! All fees related
to this employment opportunity are covered by the company.

We offer trial period (30 days). During this period you will be trained by our
specialists, while working and being paid. Contract termination can be
recommended by supervisor, during or after test period.
Base salary is $2,300 per month + 8% commission from every payment processed.
So, you have an opportunity to earn $4000+ even during your first month of
employment!

After the trial period:
- monthly salary will be increased up to $3k + commission.
- you may ask for additional hours or full-time job.

If you are interested in financial agent vacancy, please fill in the form below
and email to: veston.job.amy@gmail.com

--------------------FORM==========FORM------------------
First name:_______________________
Last name:_________________________
Country of residence:______________________
Contact phone:_______________________
Preferred call time:______________________
--------------------FORM==========FORM------------------

Our personnel managers will reply within 48 hours.

We found your resume at www.careerbuilder.com. This letter confirms that your
resume has been duly processed and your skills completely meet our requirements
for Financial Manager vacancy.

Yours faithfully,
Amy Ryan

My response:

Dear Ms. Amy Ryan,

Thank you so much for contacting me. It was just in the nick of time too, as I am desperate to find work and I'm literally a few weeks from becoming homeless if I can't pay my bills. I just knew something would come through and save me. You are a godsend! Thank you!!!

This sounds like an excellent opportunity- almost too good to be true. But because you've said you're affiliated with eBay, Amazon, and Yahoo, I feel confident about the existence of your company and the legitimacy of this position. You can't be too careful these days, you know. You wouldn't believe how many scammers are targeting the unemployed. It's hard to believe, I know. What kind of person would do such a thing? I guess the sort of person who would feed their first born to alligators and then go home and eat cake.

Incidently, you should be aware that eBay gets very upset when people spell their name without a capitalized 'B'. It's eBay, not ebay. (Just FYI.)

I'm very interested in becoming a Financial Agent with Veston Group. This is an excellent job title. Is it 'Veston Group' or 'The Veston Group'? (I want to make sure I have it correct before I order business cards.) And I would very much like to work from home because that saves me the trouble of showering and brushing my teeth everyday. May I ask, will I be required to utilize those little computer mounted cameras while I work? I wouldn't be very comfortable with that because I'm a nudist and I don't like people watching me. (If I was into that, I wouldn't need a job!!!) The thing is, I think that clothing restricts the movement of chi energy. I do not like my chi blocked. It makes me cranky. And you don't want a cranky Financial Agent!

I'm glad that you've said that I "don't need to invest [my] own money to apply for this position". Because I don't have any. May I ask whose money I will need to invest? And is the investment a requirement for the application procedure or is it due upon hire? Since it's an "investment" and not a fee, I suppose that's acceptable. That means I'll get it back with interest, right?

Since we're becoming friends, may I suggest that The Veston Group create a company web site? You might also suggest to the higher ups to set up proper email addresses for their representatives because it looks sort of fishy when an established company utilizes a free email account through google. Just a suggestion. I'm not questioning your validity or anything.

Faithfully Yours (right back atcha!),
Anna Nimus

Ah, the fun never ends... In case you're curious, here's a link to an article about this specific scam.

Fun with Temp Jobs: Census Bureau (Part 2)

2009-04-08T17:09:00.000-07:00

I've been trained. I have my PII on my HHC and I'm keeping it on the DL or else my CLA will bust my ASS. But seriously... I'm finding that my temp job is cutting into my extracurricular activities. I don't have much time left in the day for random projects. For blog writing and Facebook surfing... Art projects... Fucking with people. Nope, not much time for that at all these days. No time for any real job hunting or resume submissions either. I guess that's the problem with taking crappy temporary jobs- there's not enough time left to put in a full-fledged effort towards searching for a real job.

But if I want to get an unemployment check, I have to work at this temp job. So I'm afraid my blog will suffer a bit.

You'll wait for me, won't you? I promise I'll be back. This job has an expiration date and it's non-negotiable. Until then, I'll be knock knock knocking on doors... And I'm totally going to get skinny walking up and down all these hills and stairs. YAY for the new, skinny, unemployment-check-getting me... should be just in time for summer!

I would like to say that the lovely people of my town have been incredibly nice and friendly. It's nice to interact with non-feline people for a change. I've been a bit isolated for the past couple of years. I've also come across TONS of dogs... All kinds of dogs. Mostly purebred and probably very spoiled. And so far, they've all been nice. Except for the one who "wanted to say hi" the lady said, and then proceeded to go straight for my crotch with his nose.

:( No respect for the Census badge. Or the cape.

There was also the one guy who asked me how much I was making (15 bucks an hour) and then jokingly scoffed as if I was making out like a bandit. OK. First of all, that's less than half what I used to make. Secondly, have you been to a grocery store lately? 15 bucks (minus taxes) will buy you a bag of decent coffee. I have to work two hours if I want cream and sugar to go with it. You know how much a pair of decent walking shoes costs? 6.7 hours of work. (8+ hours if I figure in the taxes.) If I divide that by the number of work days the shoes and coffee will last and add the pro-rated cost of my auto insurance, gas, non-coffee meals, professional comfortable attire appropriate for a wide range of weather conditions, podiatrist bills, haircuts, makeup... I believe I'm in the red. (Red is negative right? I always forget because I'm quite fond of the color.)

But what am I supposed to do? I have student loans bills to pay. Boy, that was money well spent. Speaking of student loans... The woman I trained with last week got her Masters from Columbia University last year and this is what she's doing now. Made me feel better. Is that wrong?

Try a New Food Tuesday: Matzo Balls

2009-04-07T10:39:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the 2nd installment of Try a New Food Tuesday! See? And you thought maybe I was one trick pony. Thought maybe I'd give up after the rutabaga fiasco. Well, it wasn't a fiasco, really. At least the 'Rutabaga Poof' was pretty good.

On to the next thing... I've never had matzo balls. (Never even had regular dumplings!) They're traditionally eaten in soup, so that's how I'll be preparing them. I'll be making "Cogy's World Famous Matzo Balls" recipe which is posted on AllRecipes.com. This time, I will try to follow the recipe exactly, as much as it pains me. However, I don't have white pepper on hand, so I will be straying a tiny, itzy bitty little bit. (And that eases my pain somewhat.)

And I may add some sausage. Just kidding! I swear, I will not fuck with the recipe. I will not fuck with the recipe. I will not fuck with the recipe. Hey, I have a new mantra. Right on. Besides I don't think that's kosher and I think you should stick with tradition when having an ethnic food for the first time.

Off you go then... Go get yourselves some matzo meal, eggs (free range!!!!!), and some chicken broth. We'll meet back here later and compare experiences?

(If you're already well-versed in the joys of matzo ball soup, I apologize that it's not a new food for you this week. Perhaps try a new recipe? A new twist on an old favorite? Or something completely different... like maybe matzo ball tacos!)

A little later...

So I ended up just using the recipe on the box because I bought matzo ball mix instead of matzo ball meal so it had some stuff already in it (i.e. white pepper etc.) and even with both packages, it didn't have the 1 1/4 cup needed for the above recipe. So there was a slight change of plans. It's a good thing I'm flexible and easy going.

And as you can see from the little bits of green shit floating around with the matzo balls, I did end up fucking with the recipe. I just can't not fuck with recipes. It's who I am. I added a bit of chopped celery leaves to the broth to give it an extra bit of homemade goodness without actually being homemade (because really who has time to make their own chicken broth??? Good point. OK, we have the time, but we are not feeling quite that ambitious.) And I added some dill and extra garlic power to the matzo ball mix (because I'm sure there wasn't enough garlic in it as it was).

Something to be aware of... The box instructed me to make the balls approximately walnut sized. And when I plopped them into the boiling broth, they fit just fine in the medium sized pot. However they don't tell you that the matzo balls will EXPAND greatly. They double in size. That's why they look squished in the 2nd picture. Also, you're cooking them in boiling broth for 30-35 minutes, so you lose a TON of the broth. Have much broth handy and be prepared to add some extra water while cooking (because between the broth and the balls, it's really salty and can take some added water without losing any flavor). (Oops. Heehee... Did I just inadvertently refer to salty balls?)

What the verdict? Matzo ball soup rocks! Super yummy. I can't believe I've lost out on so many years of possible matzo ball soup eating. Well, I'll definitely be making this again. Mmmmm... good. It has a distinct, sort of unique flavor in that the matzo balls don't taste like anything else I've had, but they're not at all weird. They're really good!!! The first bite is new and your mouth won't know what to make of it. The second bite, it starts to get good. And by the 4th or 5th bite, you'll feel all soft and warm inside, like you're in the arms of a Jewish grandmother. Very satisfying. You should try it.

Dear James Randall (Scam Spammer) at AMM Associates...

2009-04-01T15:48:00.000-07:00

Here's a fresh one straight from today's email inbox. I had to investigate further because obviously when anyone contacts me about my posted resumes, I'm extremely weary. (Especially considering I haven't heard a word from the 200+ positions I was completely qualified for and submitted stellar cover letters and impeccable resumes for.) So when some web stranger comes along and claims they can help me find a job, my initial reaction is that they're full of shit. See, my instincts are real good that way. I have an excellent shit-talking detection radar. Because I'm psychic... Naw. See I'm just testing your shit-talking detection radar now. It's actually a result of excellent critical thinking skills. These come in very handy in the modern world.

However, I'm also quite desperate, and therefore not so quick to dismiss things, just in case.

So I went to the link in the email and this one actually goes to the AMM Associates web page (unlike our last scammer spammer job email). The site is simple and professional in appearance and claims that the company has been around for decades. (Luckily for me, so have I.) Here are the red flags:

1. There is no contact information listed for anyone anywhere on the site. No address, no email, no phone numbers. Typically, legitimate companies that actually have physical "offices... located throughout the United States"(as stated on the 'Staff' page), tend to tell people exactly where those offices might be. (Crazy, I know.) They go on to claim that in order to contact them, you must first fill in the Job Profiler. You are led to believe that if you show them yours, they will show you theirs. So I did. And they didn't. Ofcourse, that's how that game usually goes and I learned that when I was like 7. Also, if you search for more info (google, yellow pages etc. you won't find much, which is just not a good sign for a company claiming to be 25 years old and nationwide.

2. They claim, on the home page, that they have a "network of independent recruiters, professional affiliations and industry contacts enables us to serve job seekers effectively". Guess what? SO DO YOU AND I. It's called Monster.com.

3. This one makes me laugh. When you click on the 'Find jobs' heading, the page says "We recommend the following sites. These sites have proven to be very useful to job seekers and have received rave reviews." And listed below are links to Monster.com and a bunch of other job listing sites!

Here's the original email I received:

Hello,

I'm James Randall with AMM Associates. We work with many companies
and recruiters across the US. Your email was passed along to me
through one of our affiliates.

Our network is pretty extensive and we may be able to assist you.

Our online job profiler will ensure that you are active in our
database and also email you matching jobs. Please visit
http://www.AMMAssociates.com and fill in the quick job profiler. It
takes less than 30 seconds.

After filling in the profiler just send me a quick email so I can
take a look.

There is NO FEE for our services. Our fees are generated by the
employer or 3rd party recruiter upon successful placement.

Thanks,
James Randall
AMMAssociates.com
The Recruiting Specialists

So I had to respond, of course:

Hello James Randall,

Thank you so much for your email. I truly appreciate it. Like the cop who has no job without the robber, your hard work benefits me as well, and I sincerely appreciate that. I really do.

So I'm curious which of my professional skills you thought most stood out on my resume and compelled you to contact me? Is there any area you think should highlight further? My experience building superglue (cyanoacrylate) fuming chambers? Perhaps my work with bodily fluids and used feminine hygiene products? I feel those skills really set me apart from the other candidates, wouldn't you agree?

You said that you may be able to assist me and I agree that you may indeed be able to assist me. I could use some help removing ivy from my yard. That shit's invasive! You know what I mean? How it gets into places it shouldn't be able to get into, past the official boundaries, without my permission? I feel so used. It's like a parasite. But I digress.

May I ask what you did before becoming an "Recruiter"? You might think I used those quotation marks inappropriately, but I assure you that it's correct. See it's sort of a different meaning with the quotes. But I imagine you caught that, eh? I'm just f*cking with you. You're probably just another laid-off IT or marketing guy with no prospects other than affiliate marketing. Well, hey at least you have the skills and knowledge to spam/scam people. Some people aren't so lucky.

I must say, I loved how you wrote that my "email was passed along... by one of (your) affiliates". That's cute. Technically correct and very official-business-y sounding. Did you get it off Monster or Careerbuilder?

Well, this has been fun. Thanks.

-Anna Nimus

______________________________________________

UPDATE 4/2/09:

I found out the spammer/ scammer angle on this one. If you go to the web site and register on their 'Job Profiler', James Randall will send you another email with a link to the 'Resume Messenger' service web site (sold by 'Work Tree') stating that "...many placements have occurred from previous job seekers with a background similar to yours." and that even though "there is a small fee it's definitely worth it..."

Now considering this is the resume I sent him, I am forced to assume he did not even actually read my resume. Which is unfortunate for him because it's actually somewhat entertaining.

So here's what he's up to. Work Tree has an affiliate program. And James Randall makes money when people sign up with Work Tree/Resume Messenger. I guess all these job spams are affiliate marketing scams. I don't have a problem with affiliate marketing. I have a problem with someone obtaining my information from job sites under the guise of being a recruiter when they're not. I have a problem with receiving unsolicited spam. I have a problem being manipulated and lied to about who a person is and what they actually do and claiming to work for some fake company.

If James Randall wanted to be a stand-up guy and a legitimate affiliate marketer, he might create a web site and/or blog about options for job hunting and post these links there. That would be a perfectly acceptable use of affiliate marketing. Ofcourse then he'd have to do a ton of legitimate work to drive traffic to his site and spend money advertising it. His way is easier. And ofcourse, illegal. And while Work Tree and Messenger Sender may very well be legitimate (no idea if they are or not), their association with a scammer/spammer gives them fleas.

(I don't have to explain that right? When you lie with dogs... or lay with dogs... whatever.)

Try a New Food Tuesdays: Rutabaga

2009-03-26T07:48:00.000-07:00

You know how the world is full of foods that you've heard of but never actually eaten? Well, in an attempt to bring some novelty to your life (you need something to talk to people about besides your fruitless job search) and to encourage a healthy lifestyle (since you can't afford those COBRA payments!), I bring you another new, semi-regular feature: Try a New Food Tuesdays. Each week I'll choose something I've never eaten, go buy some, and share the experience with you. I highly encourage you to play along and share your own experiences. (Like you have something better to do?) Sometimes I will actually do this on a Tuesday, but I don't want to limit my freedom, so sometimes Try a New Food Tuesdays will occur on a Thursday or a Monday.

Now I realize people have a different set of norms and what is new and unusual to me may be commonplace to you. Having been born and raised in California, I wouldn't know a rutabaga if it crawled into my shirt and took up residence in my armpit (it is a root vegetable right? I figured if I was a root vegetable that's where I'd go. Well actually, that was the third and least offensive place I thought of.)

Anyhoo, my only experience with rutabaga's thus far has been to hear reference to them in movies that take place in the south. Y'all eat a lot a rutabaga's in the south, yeah? Or is that a sweeping generalization? Isn't is funny how we associate fruits and vegetables with regions and certain personas? Now for some, the region association makes sense because they only grow in certain climates. But a rutabaga can be grown anywhere so there is no reason for it to have a geographic affiliation (and similarly, a stereotypical persona), and yet it does. To me, a rutabaga is a middle-aged, church-going southern woman with three grown children, a couple of grandkids and a nicely tended garden. Like a cross between Aunt Bea and Paula Dean. And you know an avocado is a California hippie. You knew that, right? I'm not making this stuff up.

So today, I will be making 'Rutabaga Puff'. I found a number of recipes, but I decided to go with this one because I wanted to make a dish in which the rutabaga was the star since I want to intimately familiarize myself with the rutabaga alone before I start compromising its integrity with a bunch of other flavors. And though y'all in the south are fond of putting sugar on everything, I'm not a huge fan. And besides, I feel it would mask the rutabaga flavor. But if you like that sort of thing, sugary rutabaga recipes abound on the internet. I'm willing to TRY it sometime, because I hate it when people say they don't like something without trying it first. (That really pisses me off.) But not for my first rutabaga experience.

I will also be changing the recipe to two eggs instead of four for the same reason- I don't want the egg flavor to overpower. And I will probably add a chopped green onion because I believe that every recipe should be topped off with chopped green onions. And also because I can't for the life of me leave a recipe alone- I always HAVE to change it somehow and personalize it. I HAVE to. It's a thing. (It's like a disease.) You should see my car. Covered in personalization. My husband is the complete opposite. He's a direction-follower. And his car doesn't have a single bumper sticker. Nothing on the dashboard. Nothing hanging from the rear-view mirror. Can you imagine?! But I digress.

I'm also going to try these very fabulous-sounding rutabaga fries. Because I think it's a good idea to try both the solid and mashed states to fully appreciate the variety of rutabaga cooking possibilities. (It is just as versatile as the beloved potato, after all.)

Now I had to do a google image search of rutabagas because I wasn't sure what they looked like. Turns out they look like radishes. Except that they're beige and/or purple and larger. Apparently they're often compared to turnips by people who have turnip experience, but since I lack turnip know-how as well, I wouldn't make that comparison myself (yet... read on). Here is an informational page with a photo.

Later that day...

So I went to the store and grabbed a few of what I thought, from the looks of them, were rutabagas, but then I asked the produce guy to make sure and luckily I did because it turned out, I'd grabbed turnips. They're not kidding when they compare the two. However, the rutabagas were much larger- approximately tennis ball to baseball sized. If you find something that looks right but they're golf ball sized, they're turnips. Probably. OR baby rutabagas. It's just best to ask. Especially if there are also a bunch of radishes, beets and parsnips lying about. It can be very confusing.

So here they are- ten bucks worth of organic rutabagas. Ouch. (But if you like them you can grow them in a bucket outside and get them for almost free.) So after washing them, I peeled them. (This would be an excellent time to start composting because you'll end up with a fair amount of rutabaga shavings.) From here, you can just follow the recipe to find out what happened next. I must say, I was surprised to find that they're white inside- they don't acquire their golden yellowish hue until you cook them. Also, I would like to suggest that you be very careful when cutting them, especially if you are without health insurance. They are not easy to cut. (Esp. the big ones.) Just finagle a bit and you'll manage.

Here are the fruits of my labor:

The fabulous-sounding rutabaga fries were not all that fabulous-tasting. But I made two mistakes with them. I broke my own rule about not adding too many outside flavors and, at the authors suggestion, drizzled a bit of hot sauce over all of the fries before sticking them in the oven. I didn't care for that flavor combination and the hot sauce was over-powering. WHY did I do that? I should have waited till afterwards and tried one fry with a bit of hot sauce. Arghghgh. I also used too much garlic, which normally I wouldn't think was possible because I love garlic, however the garlic didn't cook as much as I would have expected and therefore, had way too much of a bite. I would suggest either you lightly saute your garlic before putting it on the fries and baking them OR that you just use garlic powder. So anyway, although the flavor wasn't very good, the consistency wasn't bad. You can't expect a deep-fried potato texture or you'll be really disappointed. But I don't think I'll make these again.

Now the rutabaga puff, on the other hand, was very good. Will definitely make it again. My husband the picky eater liked it too. I ended up doing approximately a half recipe so using two eggs was perfect. It had a nice flavor and a great texture. The chopped green onion was a nice addition. Next time I might sprinkle a tiny bit of cheese on the top or maybe a macerated nut/crouton crumble. Mmmm. Good.

So what do these actually taste like anyway, you might be wondering? Well, they are potato-like with a hint of sweetness. Less dense than a potato. While I was preparing them, I noticed a slight cabbage-y odor (apparently they were engineered by crossing cabbage with turnips), but they don't taste like cabbage. There's nothing the slightest bit weird or offensive about them and I can appreciate their versatility. I will definitely be incorporating rutabagas into my diet regularly- probably on a quarterly basis. I think they'd be great in a stew or a creamy soup. Or combined with other root veggies and roasted with onions and olive oil. AND I am going to grow my own! F*** that whole $3 a pound business.

My next activity will involve writing up my tweeked rutabaga recipe, which I shall name the 'Winnibago Rutabaga Casserole' and posting it to AllRecipes.com. Can I do that or is that a copyright violation? Like if I take a recipe and add 4 or 5 ingredients and change the amounts, is it sufficiently altered that I can call it my own? Is a river the same river the next day? Ah, metaphysics... Vote for me? (It's in the review process and may take a day or so to be active.)

Dear Incessant Sniffler...

2009-03-25T06:01:00.000-07:00

Well, I attended my first partial work day with the Census Bureau yesterday. It was very bureaucratic. Shitloads of paperwork, excessive use of acronyms, and fingerprinting by someone who knew nothing about fingerprinting. I stood, raised my right hand and took an oath and everything. I take my oaths very seriously so I will not be discussing any PII on this blog. (PII = personal identifying information.) All that needs to stay on the DL. (= Down Low.) They made it abundantly clear that we are temporary employees with an intermittent work schedule and that we will not be receiving benefits or accruing sick leave/vacation time. But hey, I will be paid for FIVE HOURS of work yesterday. And that's better than I did during all of last month.

However... I don't know how it always happens that I end up sitting next to the incessant sniffler in the room. I failed a Chemistry midterm once because of one of these people. He sat there sniffling, sniffling, sniffling like every 20 seconds right next to me. Ten inches away from my ear while I was trying to do buffer problems. Buffer problems are not easy and what I really needed was complete silence. I finally asked him to blow his nose after an hour and a half and he looked at me like I was the asshole. Hmph.

I'm not completely heartless- I sympathize with allergy sufferers, as I have allergies year-round no matter where I am and I don't know what I'm allergic to so I, too, do my fair share of snot production. However, I carry Kleenex and I know how to use it.

Dear Incessant Sniffler,

You know how sometimes you're sitting somewhere in a room full of people and they keep taking deep breaths and sighing and looking irritable? You know why they're like that? Because they've been listening to you snort and sniffle and otherwise manipulate the ever-changing air/phlegm ratio in your nasal passages for five hours straight. OH MY GOD... BLOW YOUR FUCKING NOSE. I tried to be patient. I waited till the first break because I thought maybe you forgot your Kleenex or something and I hoped that during the break you would make your way to the rest room to grab a wad of toilet paper. Because toilet paper works quite well in lieu of proper tissues. (It really does. I used it in this manner for years when I was too poor and stingy to spend money on Kleenex.)

But no. Instead, during the break you sat there eating your little snack packs... Sniffling and chewing and snorting and swallowing. It was disgusting. I even tried to give you a big hint several times. I pulled out one of the mini Kleenex packs I keep everywhere (in my purse, coat pockets, car...) and blew my nose when I experienced an allergic moment. I hoped you would ask for one. I hoped. I tried to make it obvious that my pack was almost full and I had plenty to share.

I guess I could have just offered you a couple of tissues. But that would have been kind of mean, right? Like I was implying that something was wrong with you and that you should fix yourself. I don't know what the right way to handle this situation is, so please don't sit next to me next week.

Thanks,
Your Fellow Census Worker

Hey guess what? As I was locating the Kleenex web site to provide my readers with handy link, I couldn't help but notice that Kleenex is asking visitors to their site to share their Kleenex memories. (I swear, I'm not making this up.) So I thought I would take a stab and join the dozens of others who have contributed their heart-warming stories. Ofcourse it's tough for me to be interesting and heartwarming in 500 characters. That's not a story. That's a sentence. Practically a haiku! But whatever. Be sure to vote for me by clicking 'Give a tissue'. The story with the most tissues wins. Perhaps you might be inclined to add a story of your own. Feel free to share it here too. Now isn't this fun?

Here's my Kleenex story submission:

My New Friend...

Someone had cranked the heater in the training room before we got there so the trainer opened a bunch of windows. Well, it was late March and the height of allergy season. There was one woman who was sniffling like crazy and obviously had no Kleenex. I have allergies too, but I always carry Kleenex. So I offered her some. And she gave me a really dirty look. But the three people right next to her smiled gratefully and we all went out to lunch and became friends. The Sniffler was not invited.

Fun with Temp Jobs: Census Bureau

2009-03-10T08:18:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it. After more than two years of job-hunting, I have finally landed (or should I say 'settled for') a temporary position as an Enumerator with the Census Bureau. In case you haven't heard, the Census Bureau is one of the few places that is hiring right now, although the jobs are temporary and there are no benefits. And the pay? Less than half of what I used to make at the lab... BUT it's better than minimum wage and not as painful as going back to working in retail or something equally low-paying and dehumanizing. The good thing about this (in addition to actually getting a paycheck for a couple months) is that when it's over, I believe I will finally be officially unemployed (rather than just 'displaced') which means I can qualify for unemployment and be counted along with the millions of others of unemployed people. PLUS, I'm going to be walking around for hours everyday which will hopefully translate into some much-needed weight loss. Three years of self-employment/ unemployment coupled with quitting smoking has left me chunky and easily-winded.

Nimus. Anna Nimus. Enumerator. Is that a great friggin' title or what? Sounds so strong, so powerful. Can't you just picture me showing up at your door with my little handheld computer and my official Census Bureau badge, telling you through the peephole with my best Arnold Schwarzenegger accent, "I am the Enumerator." I think I might have to wear my rock star boots for this. And maybe a cape. Do you think I can pull off chunky and easily-winded with rock star boots and a cape?

Dear Fellow Unemployed People...

2009-03-03T09:34:00.001-08:00

Well, things are very bad. And from the look of the stock market yesterday, it seems things are not going to improve any time soon. Well look on the bright side- it could be worse. In addition to being unemployed, you might have your entire life savings and all your assets tied up in mutual funds and the real estate market. Yeah, we're all totally fucked. Better get used to the taste of cat food now.

Fuck, fuck, fuck. I don't normally have too much of a potty mouth, but seriously, WTF?

Well here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to spend more time working on this blog because I think it's important to remember that we are not alone in this spiraling downward descent. And I really do believe that you can make lemons out of lemonade. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right? (Ugh. Two cliches in a row. Sorry 'bout that. )

Maybe this is an opportunity to whittle down our big, complicated, over-extended, over-accessorized lives down to what's really important. It's an opportunity to learn to live simply. Maybe simpler is actually better? Maybe instead of spending our free time walking around malls looking at stupid shit we don't need or really even want and doesn't make us happy, we should walk around parks and feed the ducks and smell the flowers. Remember when you could just sit and listen to music and that's it? OK, well the younger folks probably never did that, but back in the 80's and before that when people didn't have computers and the internet and facebook and cell phones, people did that.

My parents grew up in a war zone, in extreme poverty. DIRT POOR. Not 21st century poor where poor means sometimes your cell phone gets turned off and your credit rating sucks and you drive a crappy car. Pre- 1950 poor where your Christmas present (singular, not plural) was last year's socks reconfigured into this year's mittens. Like the so-little-food-children-are-stealing-potatoes-even-though-a-soldier-is-chasing-them-with-guns kind of poor. So really, if you have enough to eat and are able to retain safe shelter, no matter how humble, I think it's important (and healthy) to try to be grateful that things aren't worse. A lot of people in this country and around the world are worse off than you. I know this because those people don't have the means to read this blog and, fortunately, you do.

I certainly don't mean to sound like an asshole and I'm probably talking more to myself here than to anyone else. Because I will admit, I have done my fair share of wallowing. I allow myself a certain amount of wallowing because things are pretty fucked up and I feel a little bit bitter but I try not to get stuck in it, you know? It tends to ebb and flow. And I do recall a time when I would jump into the paths of coworkers coughing because I was so desperate to get away from work for a few days that I didn't mind getting sick in order to make that happen. So on one level, I can appreciate a certain amount of free time. Maybe you can too? I would be happy to give you some ideas as to how you might enrich your life cheaply and find stuff to do with all that free time.

OK, now I will stop being so serious because that's not what you're here for is it?

Dear Technology Companies and Y-Generation People...

2009-02-04T14:50:00.000-08:00

You know what? I use my phone as a phone. I use my computer as a computer. I use my camera to take pictures. And while we're at it, I have no special needs for my TV, except for it to act like a TV. I don't really care for the merging and blurring of lines amongst all these electronic devices.

If I wanted to get my phone messages on my TV or my computer, I wouldn't have bought an answering machine. If I wanted to take pictures with my phone, I wouldn't have bought a really nice camera. I don't mind occasionally attaching the devices to each other for one purpose or another but I don't want or need five different devices that take crappy pictures. I just need one device that takes good pictures. And one device that allows me to talk to someone far away and hear them clearly without dropping the call. Why don't we focus on doing a really good job of that before adding in all these other sub-par capabilities?

And if the phone people are adding cameras to their phones, then why aren't the camera people adding phone capabilities to their cameras? Or music storage? Of course, that would be stupid. So why am I storing music on the same device that I'm using to call people and take pictures? How come ipods don't come with phones? Or do they now? And what would possess someone to want to watch a movie on a 2-inch ipod screen? How come TV's aren't storing music files and taking photos? Yeah, how come that sounds like a stupid idea? How come a phone gets to be everything else but nothing else can be a phone?

And you know what else? I hate all you people with your stupid cell phones talking all the time. Talking while walking and driving and ordering and grocery shopping and standing in line at the post office and sitting in cafes and restaurants. I mean give me a friggin' break. Jesus. Just shut the fuck up. You're not that important and the rest of us are sick of listening to you. So hang up your phone and take off the stupid little plastic deco cover and the little sparkly dingle dangles. And stop with the constant texting and stupid little wallpapers and the fancy ringer downloads. It's a PHONE! It's not a child or a house or a dog or even a car. You don't need to care about it and dress it up and personalize it and decorate it. It's stupid. I mean you don't do that with your microwave or your car stereo, right? How about your coffee maker?

Just so we're all clear, these are the appropriate times and places to use your phone:

1. Emergencies

2. In your home.

3. In your PARKED car.

4. In an out of the way location or on a park bench somewhere that your not bugging the fuck out of everyone else and acting like a selfish, self-involved asshole.

It had to be said. And it had to be now because I'm hormonal and feeling feisty.

Cover Letter: Cornea Tissue Recovery Technician

2009-01-27T14:18:00.001-08:00

WOW. Here is a job you don't come across everyday. Here it is (care of Craigslist):

Reply to: job-[never mind]@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2009-01-23, 3:37PM PST

Surgical recovery of human eye tissue for transplantation.

[Never mind], a global leader in eye banking, has been ranked as one of the best companies to work for. Put your passion to work and consider joining this team of professionals fulfilling a mission to serve as an innovative provider of sight and hearing care with a passion for quality and excellence.

[Never mind] is seeking highly motivated, independent per diem technician for the greater Bay Area. The technician performs the aseptic surgical recovery of human cornea tissue--the first in a series of steps prior to transplantation. The technician's critical role ensures safe and viable cornea transplant tissue from deceased organ and tissue donors. Comprehensive training in aseptic and surgical recovery technique will be provided by [Never mind]. Technicians work independently, travelling to hospitals, funeral homes, and medical examiner's offices throughout the greater Bay Area to complete the recovery procedure. The team of technicians rotate on-call shifts to cover a 24/7 schedule. Schedule availability and flexibility are key qualities for success. A valid driver's license/insurance/reliable vehicle is required. No direct experience is required, but we are seeking the right individual who has some education or experience in the fields of science and/or health care. An applicant living in the East Bay area would be preferred. To view the position description and to find out more information about [Never mind], go to www.[Never mind].org, and click on "About [Never mind]." If you are interested in the current position opening, please submit your resume, along with a cover letter to our "jobs" email address (either click the "reply" in this ad or go to our website).

Position Description:

Effective Date: January 7, 2009
Position: Part-Time Eye Bank Recovery Technician--California
Department: [Never mind]
Reports To: California Regional Director
Incumbent: TBD
Direct Reports: Not Applicable
Job Classification: Part-Time
FLSA Status: Non-Exempt
Salary: Beginning at $150 per transplant donor processed, $15 per hour travel and lab time

Primary Purpose:
Responsible for the recovery of human eye tissue for transplant and/or research and the collection of necessary medical, behavioral, laboratory, and other data to ensure quality donor screening. Also has primary responsibility for tissue transportation to and from the airport.

Principal Accountabilities:
„« Performs efficient and quality surgical recovery of human eye tissue for transplant and/or research.
„« Collects complete and accurate medical charts, behavioral data, laboratory data, blood specimens, and other pertinent data from the recovery site and other appropriate agencies.
„« Travels throughout respective recovery area (via automobile) to collect eye tissue and medical records.
„« Acts professionally and respectfully as a representative of [Never mind] in hospital, funeral home, and transplant/donation settings.
„« Performs scheduled day, night, weekend, and holiday donor recoveries..
„« Performs timely transportation of eye tissue to and from airport and surgeon¡¦s facilities as needed.
„« Performs other projects and duties as assigned.
„« In all daily activities, strive to support the Mission, Vision, and Values of [Never mind].
„« A personal commitment to organ donation required.
„« Must be able to work days, nights, weekends and long hours when needed.
„« Must have reliable, dependable transportation.

Required Skills/Knowledge/Abilities:
„« Excellent oral and written communication skills with the ability to interact effectively with all Eye Bank, hospital, and peer agency staff.

Work Environment
The work is performed primarily in a hospital/morgue environment. The noise level in the work environment is moderate. The duties listed above are intended only as illustrations of the various types of work that may be performed. The omission of specific statements of duties does not exclude them from the position if the work is similar, related to a logical assignment to the position. The job description does not constitute an employment agreement between the employer and employee and is subject to change by the employer as the needs of the employer and requirements of the job change. The worker is not substantially exposed to adverse environmental conditions (such as in typical hospital and office work.)

Education and/or Equivalent Experience:
„« High School diploma or equivalent. Medical and/or Biological science background strongly preferred.

Compensation: Per diem. $150 per recovery; $15/hr travel and other time
This is a part-time job.
This is at a non-profit organization.
Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
Please, no phone calls about this job!
Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.
PostingID: 1005041160

To Whom this May Concern;

I'm writing in response to the Cornea Tissue Recovery Technician position you're currently hiring for. Just so I'm entirely clear as to what his position entrails, oops- I mean entails, it seems to involve cutting out dead people's eyeballs. Is that a correct assessment? And I only need a high school diploma in order to perform this job? Huh. I kinda feel stupid now for putting all that effort into Chemistry and Genetics and Cellular Physiology classes. Well perhaps my Biology degree will make me a stronger candidate for this position than some other person with just a GED and one year of remedial math class. One hopes.

I did take a zoology class with a lab component so I have some experience cutting things up. I also have the required "reliable vehicle". I guess that's a pretty important requirement if you're going to be driving around with dead people's eyeballs. It might difficult to persuade a AAA tow truck driver to swing you and your ice chest full of eyeballs by the airport.

I just have a few questions. Will you be providing an ice chest or will I be required to utilize my own ice chest? If I need to use my own ice chest, must it be dedicated solely to eyeball transportation or can I still use it for beer when I go camping?

When you say the pay rate is "$150 per tissue donor processed", is that regardless of the number of eyeballs extracted? And will you be providing training? So how does that work exactly anyway? How does one practice eyeball extractions? Actually, never mind. I don't think I want to know. I'm just sure it involves bunnies.

Now usually, are both eyeballs removed? Or just one? And are jobs typically few and far between (2-3 times per week) or are numerous extractions performed back to back (or should I say face to face? HA. Funny.)

Well I want to assure you that I am pro-organ donation and I think this is a very important job. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Regards,

Anna Nimus

PS- If I come across any glass eyeballs can I keep them or do you need those too?

Dear Anne Carter at Hobin Staffing...(or whatever your current fake name is)

2009-01-23T15:05:00.000-08:00

So I was perusing the Monster listings and updating my resume/profile and ofcourse for some reason (desperation) I decided to leave my resume public. In case someone somewhere might be seeking someone with my unique and useless skill set consisting of cartoon illustration and latent print development. You never know.

So the next day I received the following email and thank goodness I googled them because it was not immediately obvious to me that it was a scam/spam. The only thing that gave it away was the fact that NO ONE from ANYWHERE has called about ANYof the 150 or so resumes I've sent out and if they had, I would have remembered. Otherwise, I might have fallen for it. (Shout out: Thank you to Greg at Brainhandles.com for illuminating this scam.) Anyway, here it is:

"To remove yourself from future mailings click here

Hi [nevermind],

I am following up on earlier correspondence regarding your job search. I wanted to touch base, given the economic situation to see if you are still looking for work in the Pharmaceutical/Biotech field or any other industry. The latest postings are found here.

Regards,
Anne Carter
Staffing Specialist
Hobin Staffing

7 Dies St.
Canton, NY
13617-1324

This message sent was to you by Hobin Staffing.
You can change your communication preferences or you can unsubscribe from future mailings."

I removed the active hyperlinks, one of which linked to Joined.com (I'm not sure why, but whatever). So I reported this misuse of my personal information to Monster (in three separate emails) and I made it abundantly clear that no such person ever contacted me previously, there is no phone number in the email, the address appears to be for a tiny house next some railroad tracks in a quiet suburban area, and Hobin Staffing doesn't seem to even actually exist. After having my concerns repeatedly ignored, and being told by S. Sprowe that she has "reviewed the email and verified that it is an authorized email" and that "these are legitimate job offers..." and I "... have the option of taking further steps in the hiring process or not", I decided to have a tiny bit of fun with Anne Carter instead. Here it is:

"Hi Anne Carter,

Thank you so much for getting back to me, as I've been anxiously awaiting your response. You wouldn't believe how difficult it is to get out of bed and face the job listings every morning after doing so for almost two years. So it's really nice to finally hear back from someone about something. And unfortunately, I am still looking for work in the Biotech industry or any other field. In fact, I'm considering a move into the less lucrative, but more welcoming fast food industry.

In any case, I would definitely like to interview for the position we discussed. It sounds perfect for me, as my area of expertise in biotech is so specific that I've found employment opportunities to be rather limited. There just aren't very many positions for someone in feminine hygiene product quality assurance and absorbency analysis. And just to reiterate, I also have some secondary experience in the oral application of negative atmospheric pressure to exterior gluteal regions. I've found this to be a useful application as long as it's not applied overtly or too frequently. Do you think I should plan on demonstrating this skill at the interview?

Thank you greatly,
Anna Nimus"

Note: While I do have actual professional experience working with feminine hygiene products (yuck is right), it was in neither quality assurance nor absorbency analysis. It was more like seminal fluid recovery processing.

UPDATE 2/26/09:

It's just been reported by a kind reader of my blog (well, the one time anyway) that although this same scam is still going around, they are now using the name "Katie Jensen" who is supposedly a recruiter with "Dudley Search Group". Be sure to keep me posted as the fake names and fake businesses change so I can update this post. Thanks!

UPDATE 4/29/09:

Here is a current list of the new fake recruiter names and fake business names being used with this email, as reported in the growing list comments for this post (thank you!!!):

Sarah Walker

Graham Search Group

Kaya Greenhow

Dudley Staffing

Lynn David

Claire Hunter

Munson Search Consultants

Isabella Murray Davieson Staffing

Someone mentioned Phishbucket.org which I finally just checked out. It's a great site for checking on the legitimacy of job offer emails (but still come to my page too, ok?).

And someone else reported (in the comments section below) on the lawsuits brought by the real people (crooks) behind these scams against people who are trying to spread awareness about them. Can you believe the nerve??? This is scary because they bring lawsuits against people just like me. Here is a link that discusses one case in particular. (Don't be surprised if you find legal defense donation fund set up on my site one day!) Arghghgh.

Dear RISD Admissions Committee...

2009-01-16T07:16:00.000-08:00

I just received one of the flimsy little envelopes (i.e. rejection packets) you recently sent out in hordes to the hundreds and hundreds of people who paid a ridiculous sum of money to you in order to apply to join your student body, only to be barred entry to your prestigious little club. Fuck you very much. Here is the Statement of Purpose I will be sending next time:

Statement of Purpose- RISD Application

I am very interested in pursuing an MFA degree at RISD (Rhode Island School of Design) at this time because:

#1 RISD is the best, most prestigious, most highly-regarded art school in the country and I would very much like to associate my name and work with you. It's not that I'm snooty because I'm not at all (honestly I don't give a fuck if / where someone went to art school at all if I like their work and crappy art made by a person with a degree from a high ranking school doesn't make me like it better), but I would very much like to be able to tell people who are snooty that I both A) have a masters degree and B) received it from the top art school in the country (if not the world). And it would be super awesome if I could tell them that you offered me a full fellowship. That would totally rock. Mostly, I just find it really fun to be pompous around pompous people. I'm sure you know what I mean.

#2 The job market is crap and I can't for the life of me even get an interview for a decent job (like a job that pays more than minimum wage and has normal M-F hours and benefits and doesn't involve serving food or drinks or retail sales).

#3 I've perused many of the top art school web sites and seen some of the "artwork" that highly sought after MFA students are producing around the country and I think it's astounding. Really fucking amazing. Not the work, but the fact that people are scrambling over each other to offer them shows and buy their work. And some of their artist statements! They're unbelievable! I am truly amazed that a person can put so many big words into a collection of properly structured sentences and create an entire essay that has absolutely no meaning whatsoever. Completely blowing smoke up people's asses. I could totally do that! After working so hard to create meaningful artwork, I think I'd like to learn how to take some item of garbage- like let's say, jar lids-- and assemble a bunch of them into some sort of repetitive display and pull a couple lines out of Sartre's "Being and Nothingness" to assign as a meaning and purpose for the display. Voila! I'm rich. But only if I have the MFA from a top school. Otherwise, I might be viewed as a charlatan.

#3 Being a scientist is mind-numbingly boring and repetitive. I think I'd really prefer to be an artist.

#4 I really need something (semi) legitimate to do or else my in-laws are going to make me take a really menial job. REALLY menial. Like in retail sales or something equally adolescent. Because they don't believe that selling art on Etsy or writing a blog are legitimate business endeavors.

Dear Diary; Today, I made pumpkin soup.

2008-12-01T15:54:00.000-08:00

Some days I just don't know what to do with myself. I bore easily, as you might have gathered. And then there are times when I have every intention of sitting here and sending out resumes all day long. But then when I try, nothing happens. And I keep finding myself on Etsy or Ebay or it's suddenly extremely important to comparison shop for a crepe pan I can't even afford. (I hardly ever even eat crepes. But I think if I had a proper pan, I might. I quite enjoy them actually.)

And then I wander downstairs for a meal or a snack. And play with the cat. And step outside to rearrange the potted plants. And I think to myself, I should be sending out resumes. Or at least working on that pile of laundry. It's as if the more time you have, the less efficient you become. It now takes me a week to change the sheets on the bed and do two loads of laundry. Maybe because the down time you reward yourself with under normal circumstances causes you to complete your chores really quickly so that you can get to the point where everything's done and you can relax. But what if there's no point? What if you had nothing but down time? How do you compel yourself to complete tasks?

But because this is my "working" time, I don't feel free to just completely fuck around. I don't let myself read books or watch TV during the week when I'm supposed to be job-hunting or painting or working on my profit-less business.

So today, I continued to ignore the continually expanding, spilling-over mound that is my laundry hamper. I sent out not a single resume. And I don't know what I did with most of the day, although I spent about 8 hours on the computer.

My greatest accomplishment for the day (and probably the week) was the creation of a pumpkin soup from scratch. Now that it's December 1st, I thought it was finally time I did something with our Halloween pumpkin before it rotted. Don't worry. We were lazy and the pumpkin was intact. Obviously, a carved pumpkin would not have lasted this long.

Anyhoo, I managed to cut it up without any major mishaps. I was a little worried because I have a way with knives and fingers. And I kid you not, I had to go to physical therapy for a finger once. Actually, it was a whole series of painful visits. My left pointer. Boy, that is a finger you don't fully appreciate until you have no use of it.

So I consulted a few recipes and then failed to follow a single one. I sort of combined a few that sounded good. That's the great thing about cooking. Unlike baking, you can sort of make it up as you go. This doesn't work for everyone I know- you have to have sort of a knack for it. Luckily I have a knack. Too bad I can't sell it. I'll bet there are a lot of people that would pay handsomely for my knack. Hey that might be a fun Craigslist ad. Anyway...

I got my pumpkin cut up and cleaned out. I sure do like the smell of fresh pumpkin and the feel of slithery pumpkin innards sliding through my hands. And while I baked the pieces, I prepped the rest of the soup. I wasn't sure if I was supposed to leave the skin on the pumpkin so I pulled most of it off because after baking, it had a fairly leathery/plastic-y consistency and I wasn't sure our crappy old blender would be able to pulverize the skin in that condition.

So I managed to spend about two hours on this endeavor if you include clean up and pumpkin seed preparation. I highly recommend this as a project. It took a long time and it smells wonderful. It's simmering away in the crock pot right now as I speak. I even had extra baked pumpkin to freeze for next time. I almost made home made breadsticks too, but it was like 3:30 in the afternoon and I thought I'd better shower and change out of my pajamas.

Dear Hubby... I am mad at you.

2008-11-21T18:24:00.000-08:00

Dear Hubby,

Well as you might have gathered from the "Anna Nimus" return address on this email, I've decided to pick on you as one of my blog letter subjects. I know. But it's OK because I don't have any readers anyway.

So I just wanted to tell you that I'm completely over that whole resume argument we had. And I understand that you thought when I asked you to check my resume and make sure Appleworks had properly formatted my resume into a Word document (because we don't have Word on our Mac at home), that you thought by OK, I meant it only had to have legible writing. I get that. Because sometimes computers do weird things and you end up with characters that don't look like normal alphanumeric characters. And because you didn't see any weird characters you said my resume was OK. Looked just fine. Acceptable to send forth. In the grander scheme of things it's not that big a deal, right? It's not like you were in charge of overseeing trading for Citibank and your claim of everything being ok caused a networth loss of like 200 billion dollars. I realize this pales in comparison. So what if I went ahead and spent hours and hours and hours writing PERFECT cover letters (REAL cover letters, not fake, fun ones for my blog) tailored for every job submission and sent in my resume that "looked just fine". For 6-7 weeks I did this until one day I asked you to print my resume up for me. And I cried when you brought it home.

Now, I do kinda wonder what you thought of my resume writing and organizational abilities because I had one section heading with like a big ass, bold 22 point font and no other headings with 22 point fonts. That's kinda weird right? No? Maybe you just thought I wanted to highlight my Education section much more so than my Skills section and Experience section?

OK, well if having one section heading bold and 22 points and all the others in a normal 12 point font seems acceptable, then maybe you noticed that two of my sub-headings were italic 14 point fonts in one section and that's the only place I used that style and size of font? Like I decided to use a fancier font style for sub-headings in the first section, but a regular, blend-right-in 12 point font again for the rest of my sub-headings in the other sections. That's kinda weird too, right? That complete lack of consistency? No?

OK, well having a bulleted list in multiple sections where every single indented item on the list has a little bullet symbol EXCEPT for the first item item in the list looks kind of weird and wrong, right? No? Maybe not if every single section has a missing bullet for the first item, huh? I guess that's consistent at least. Consistently weird. No?

OK, well maybe you thought I meant to make my name especially HUGE at the top and split up my first initial on the top line and put my last name below it on the second line:

XXXXXXX

Because maybe fitting the single letter in before my last name was kind of tricky with only 8.5 inches of space. That didn't seem weird, huh? No?

You do have a Bachelor's degree in Graphic Design, right? YES... Hmmm.

But like I said, I completely forgive you for the whole thing. And also for getting mad at me for overreacting. Because it's not like I had anything better to do during all those hours I wasted writing cover letters and applying for jobs. It's not like I had a job to go to or anything. And those people who are always writing books about resumes and telling you they have to be really perfect and professional and organized? And not have any typos or misspelled words? Completely blowing smoke up everyone asses.

Hiring managers don't care if you can create a professional, properly organized resume. It's a known fact that when they receive a crappy resume, they always assume that the person will do better work once they're hired. They're very forgiving about that kind of thing. You always have a second chance to make a first impression. And those hiring manager people have tons of time so they tend to interview everyone despite what their resumes look like. Right? Yup. I'm being a sarcastic asshole right there. I think that when you have 50 or 100 or 300 resumes on your desk, the easiest way to weed out the losers immediately is to toss the ones with the fucked up resumes who look like either A) they don't know how to use a computer OR B) they are deficient in IQ points and can't grasp the meaning of proper organization.

Do I think any of those people whose graphic design jobs I was applying for laughed at my resume? Yes I do. Do I think anyone took one look at my resume and scratched their head and threw it in the garbage? Yes I do. Am I mad because the job market is is even worse now than it was 6 weeks ago? Yes I am. Am I mad because you and your father had the nerve to suggest to me that I take a minimum wage retail job meant for high school drop-outs after I worked my ass for my Biology degree specifically so that I wouldn't have to take a shit job? Yes I am. Am I thinking to myself maybe I wouldn't be in a position of having you tell me to take some shit job if you had taken the VERY IMPORTANT task I entrusted you with seriously? That MAYBE it's your fault I didn't get a single call back? Yes, I am thinking that.

Wow, apparently I am still very pissed off about this. There were some jobs I really really wanted to be called for. Jobs I met all the requirements for. Until I saw my resume, I couldn't figure out why they didn't call. I'm not saying they all would have called. But I should have gotten at least 4 or 5 calls. At least.

Well hey, maybe I can turn my blog into a memoir about unemployment and get it published and become rich and famous. Then we can laugh about how you let me send out 120 fucked up resumes... Hahhahhhaahhha... Remember that time...? That was SO FUNNY!!!

Dear Facebook...

2008-11-10T10:40:00.000-08:00

Thank you so much for your service. Over the past several weeks, my activity level on Facebook has increased dramatically, as apparently an overwhelming majority of the members of my little demographic discovered Facebook almost simultaneously and participation has skyrocketed. I've never seen so many cyber drinks and virtual cupcakes being tossed around! I guess everyone needs a break from their children. Not me, ofcourse, because I don't have any. But one of my cats is pretty needy. And I don't have a job so I have a lot of time on my hands.

Anyway... What a fantastic way to be psuedo-social! It's so much less time-consuming. And I'm really MUCH better at psuedo-social than I am at actual sociability. I find I do much better when I can carefully choose my words. I'm much more well-spoken when I'm not actually speaking. I still manage to piss people off and alienate myself but to a lesser degree than in person. Actually, no, now that I think about it, that's not entirely accurate. In fact, in real life, I shy away from confrontation of any kind. I'm just really not comfortable with it. I'm actually kind of a cowardly mouse in person. Conversely, I have been known to embrace controversy and harsh words in writing. And you know what they say about the pen being mightier than sword. You can just call me Mighty Mouse. Wow, I had Mighty Mouse underwear when I was like six. I feel like I've come full circle now.

So anyway, with your help, I have found some old friends that I was sincerely thrilled to find-- people I truly, genuinely liked and cared about as a youngster and haven't seen in 20 or 30 years. So that's pretty damn cool. I also just realized I really like the word 'youngster'. It's sort of under-utilized don't you think? It makes me feel as if I am aging and embracing the sad fact. Someday, when I move from middle age into my golden years, I will also embrace the term 'whipper-snapper'. But I digress.

So you might think I'm just writing to praise your services, but actually I also have a suggestion. I think it would be helpful if you could provide some sort of Facebook info center. And maybe a Facebook version of "Dear Abby" because I think us Facebook newbies might do well to have some direction as to the social guidelines and etiquette of Facebook. For instance, how does one draw the line on whom to accept or ignore as a "Facebook friend"? I find I'm having a little trouble with this. It quickly became quite clear that my Facebook friend list would not resemble my wedding invitation list. And so far, it's definitely outgrown what I expect to be the attendant list for my funeral. Actually, it's becoming more of a "people whose names (I think) I knew at some point in my life" list, rather than an actual friend list.

That's OK, I guess. Like I said, I can appreciate a certain amount of pseudo-sociability. My quandary, however, is how to respond to the friend requests from people who were total assholes to me 20 years ago and apparently have no recollection of that fact? What exactly is the appropriate response? I've prepared some possible responses below and I wonder if you might help me choose one? I'd like to be firm and honest but not to the point of inviting cyber-bullying, as I'm not sure that (even after all these years) these people would be above such a thing. So here they are:

1. Wow. Long time, no see. I'm dying to know... Is it true that the return on negative karma is seven-fold?

2. Screw you and the cockroach you rode in on. Consider yourself officially 'ignored'.

3. Hey ass face, you haven't aged so well. I'm clearly much better looking than you now. Now that we're "Facebook friends", would it be a safe assumption that you will not be spitting on me in the future?

4. Hey, got your friend request. Fuck you very much.

5. Hey eyebrows, what's up? Are you still a drug addict thief or have you moved on to white collar crime? Can I have my purse back now?

6. Prick!!! How the hell are you?! Just kidding...I don't really care how you are.

7. No, I don't want you on my friend list. In fact, I hope your stock options have become worthless and your golden years are filled with cat food, motherfucker.

8. Holy shit, you have a baby?! I can't believe someone was willing to procreate utilizing your genetic contribution!

Although I am very curious about the existence of karma and if there is any justice in the universe, I wouldn't trust either of these people to be forthright with their life's shortcomings so I'm leaning against #1. But I'm very fond of #2 and #4 and could in fact use both since I have two friend requests from pricks. What do you think? Should I go with #2 and #4? Or do you think they might use my hostility against me? Like maybe they'll make me look like I'm the asshole for suddenly being an asshole. I may not have had the balls to stand up for myself then... In fact, I don't even have the balls now. But see, it's in writing so...Mighty Mouse. And since I moved out of state, I'm feeling pretty confident that I'll probably never actually see them again.

Now, when I'm deciding who to send friend requests to, what is the protocol exactly? If we went to school together for three or more years, were in the same grade, and were decent to each other, should I send a friend request? Should we have shared a meal at some point? Laughed together? Been to a birthday party together? Or been to one or the other's house on some occasion? If we drank from the same vodka bottle in a park? OK, what if we didn't actually drink out of the same vodka bottle, but we partied in a group together in an underground sewer? Is that worthy of a Facebook friend request? What if I was so high I don't remember partying with them in a sewer, but I know we did because my friend reminded me? What if neither I nor anyone else remembers us partying together, but there is a photograph of us together in the sewer?

I could almost write a public service announcement about the downfalls of partying in high school. Everyone only vaguely remembers each other and no one knows who their friends actually were. I think I had fun, but I can't remember who I had fun with. Speaking of having fun...Are we all agreed there is to be no reference to illegal chemical substances? I mean please, some of us have real jobs. Not me, ofcourse. But maybe someday...

Now what about when someone is already on your friend list and you decide you don't really want them there? Is it sort of too late? You see I'm also in a bit of a pickle about this republican homecoming queen chick. Now, had she not bad-mouthed Michelle Obama's outfit and touted the hotness of (get this) Cindy 'Cruella DeVille' McCain, I suppose I could have tolerated having her on my friend list, but since she made her little remark, I've been feeling the urge to purge her.

On top of that, I'm growing tired of incessant references to travel, skiing and investment accounts. We all get it already, jesus. We get that you're upper middle class. You have discretionary income. Congratulations. You have made it to the same place you've always been. Good job. Can we get a Gandhi quotation or something for a change? Pretty please? I'll send you a cyber cupcake... (fat-free!)

As part of the anti-establishment crowd in high school, I'd like to say our group was neither cool nor dorky and that we rejected the notion of cliques and hierarchies. But in actuality we weren't really that psychologically evolved or intellectually advanced. Mostly, we were just a little angrier than the average teenager (which made us cooler). And our idea of cool also involved more black clothing and complicated hair styles than the other groups. And ironically, while we were rejecting trendiness and conformity, we were required to adhere to certain non-conforming standards (like black clothing and complicated hair). So anyway... I was fairly unremarkable in every way and dressed like the Anti-Christ.

So with regard to the re-emerging cliques of my teen years, is Facebook the “in” crowd’s way of feeling special and superior again? And if so, is it necessary that I feel like a dork again? Fuck, don't people realize how many years of prozac it takes to build up your sense of self worth to a decent level? I'm just not enjoying this revertigo thing at all. I have moved on, damn it. I am a confident, grown woman. And for a little while, in my 20's, after the accutane and before the melasma and quitting-smoking weight and the too-busy-studying-chemistry-and-biology-to-pluck-my-eyebrows years, I was really hot too, damn it. Well maybe not really hot. But hot, nonetheless. Ok maybe not “hot”, but distinctly cute. (Like if I was standing in the dark corner of a dive bar.) I should have taken more pictures.

So anyway, I think you should have a Facebook version of "Dear Abby" to help new users learn how to properly address the problem of psuedo-sociability with people we actually know, used to know, hardly knew, people whose name we knew, didn't care to know, know and hate and finally, those who are complete strangers out for a piece of ass. With regards to the last one, is it appropriate to simply ignore the friend request or should one offer some sort of apology, like "Dear freak... Sorry I have to ignore you, but I'm happily married, hence the photo of me in a wedding dress and the 'married' status"?

Thanks,
Anna Nimus

Letter to my HOA...

2008-11-05T07:59:00.000-08:00

Dear "friendly neighborhood Tarp Sheriff";

How do I know you're really a Tarp Sheriff? Can I request to see your badge? Ha. Just kidding. You probably get that all the time. Well, I got your friendly reminder.

That explains why I haven't seen any other political signs in the neighborhood. I thought maybe the residents of [never mind] were just a bunch of apathetic, unpatriotic, Stepford-like Americans. But now I understand that's not the case at all-- it's that our shared little portion of the country has chosen not to observe the rules set forth in the 1st Amendment of the US Constitution regarding freedom of expression and speech (see "Bill of Rights"), but rather chosen to observe the more stringent [never mind] CC&R's. Now I get it. Well, the CC&R's are probably better than the Constitution anyway. More legally binding, I imagine. The Constitution just leaves way too much open for interpretation. Isn't it amazing that we live in a state that enjoys its ability to offer its citizens more rights than the federal government and then conversely, we pay extra to live in a neighborhood that affords us less rights than the US government? Isn't that remarkable?

I guess I understand why we wouldn't want anyone to place small, official, tasteful political signs on their front lawns. Imagine what the neighborhood would look like if we allowed that. It might look like an unregulated neighborhood... With people who cared about voting and the government and what happens in the world. It would be like anarchy. Like a pro-government anarchy. Like the next neighborhood over... with all their signs all over their perfectly manicured lawns. And their opinions all hanging out in the open like that. Atrocious.

Because if you allow official, printed signs, then people might start getting carried away and making homemade signs with fluorescent spray paint and giant pieces of plywood! And before you know it, we'd have blue tarps and chain link fences and shopping carts and piles of old tires. Then there'll come the pit bull fighting rings and prostitutes. All because we allowed a few little political signs. (OK, you might not appreciate my sarcasm. But I'm having fun, so bear with me.)

Imagine what might happen if you had a democrat and a republican living next door to each other and they had to continually one-up each other with their posters and signs and stickers. It would be like a passive-aggressive yuppie suburbanite feud. Oh my. Who knows what it could escalate to... Donkeys in the front yard? Name calling? "Good morning, maverick."..." And top of the morning to you, communist."

No, but seriously, I understand. It's a slippery slope. That whole freedom of expression thing. People have been known to get way out of hand and loose all sense of decorum. Like those people with way too many lawn ornaments. Speaking of, I certainly hope there is a "anti- lawn ornament" clause in the CC&R's. If not, I highly suggest you add one. Nothing is as off-putting as taking a leisurely walk through a nice, clean, sign-free neighborhood and suddenly coming across a front yard with a whole bunch of cement creatures staring at you. Did you know studies have shown that property values can drop by as much as 8.5% for homes within a 150 yard radius of a way-too-many-lawn-ornaments house? Yup. Completely fabricated. (But probably true.)

You know, while I'm at it, we should discuss topiaries. Now, I really like topiaries. We have two by our front door. But some people seem to have a 'more is better' approach to topiaries. They say, "hey, if two topiaries look elegant, then 8 topiaries would make us look like the Rockefellers". But unless you actually have a Rockefeller-type house, 8 topiaries is 6 too many. I think we need to have a "2 topiary limit" clause added to the CC&R's since we're adding stuff anyway.

Now, I have to admit we didn't actually read the CC&R's when we bought the house because, really, who wants to read such a document? We were too busy packing and moving and looking for reliable painters and carpet cleaners to read a bunch of legalese, jargon and mumbo jumbo. So thank you so much for your informatory note and your use of friendly, jargon-free language. And I certainly appreciate your use of the special "blue tarp campaign" door hanger. Sort of ironic that you've chosen the words "blue" and "campaign" while telling us to remove our Obama sign, don't you think? But knowing that you've prepared special stationary (with our HOA fees) and a light-hearted campaign title specifically for the purpose of letting residents know they've broken a CC&R rule makes us feel less alone with our bad behavior, as I imagine this means there have been other offenders before us.

And I really had no idea we had committed such a faux pas. I shudder in horror to think of all the neighbors who passed our house with our political sign posted out front, shaking their heads in disbelief for what they must have thought was our utterly brazen disregard for the rules of the [never mind] CC&R's. They must think we're lawless animals. They already know we're democrats. But now they probably think we're anarchists too.

And thank goodness you let us know just in time for election day. ON election day, no less. Because if you had waited 24 hours, you wouldn't have had a chance to use your little blue tarp campaign door hanger. And we wouldn't have known about the "no yard sign" clause. So thank you for getting to us just in the nick of time. Now I have something amusing to post on my blog. :) AND I have something new for my Rebel Scrapbook. I haven't had anything new in a while. I started it a long time ago when I was just a teenager... A very rebellious, moody teenager. You see, I had a strict, old-fashioned father so I was always rebelling against his rules. I guess the rebelliousness is just ingrained in me now (it's like a disease, really) because I still have issues with authority figures and I still dislike being told what to do. And I also still enjoy engaging in rebellious behavior. But I find there are less opportunities to do so now that I'm approaching middle age. So thank you for giving me back a bit of my youth.

To change the subject, since you are opposed to the use of blue tarps, I am sort of curious what sort of roof covering you allow in the event that someone develops a sudden roof failure in the midst of a 9-month rain storm? Are they just SOL? Too bad your whole house is rotting and you can bathe in your sunken living room, but we don't want to suffer a visual blight for one instant... Is that your position on the topic? Just so I know.

And then you said temporary signs aren't allowed. Are permanent signs allowed? What constitutes a permanent sign exactly? What are the approved topics for permanent signs? What if I have Obama curtains? Are they considered a sign or just curtains? Is text of any sort on curtains frowned upon or is that allowed? Or what if I painted a mural on my house? Can I do that? Is that considered art or a sign? Maybe a 'sign' is like pornography and you just have to see to know if it is or isn't? Hmm... Maybe the CC&R's AREN'T any better than the US Constitution, huh?

Hey, can I ask you a favor too since you obviously have a lot of time on your hands? I've been meaning to try to do something about our lack of proper yard debris bins. I've never in my life lived anywhere where homeowners had to put their yard debris into bags. It's a HUGE pain. And I'm thinking that the person who came up with the idea to do it this way probably never did any of their own yard work in their life. You see, all over the rest of the country, people have special garbage bins just for their yard debris. And then special yard bin-dumping trucks come every week or two. That way, when you scoop leaves and clippings and dead birds and branches and what-not into the container, there is an actual container to contain the waste. Like with walls. So I don't have to stand there holding up two sides of a (never large enough) garbage bag (which actually requires four hands to properly hold upright) while my husband shovels stuff into the bag and I inadvertently get a mouthful of dust and weeds and branch scratches across my face and arms, which totally sucks. And then half the time the stupid bag breaks and tears and we don't have any damn twine to twine-wrap our stupid branches. How are you supposed to do that anyway? I mean really, what is this? Little house on the Prairie? It's just archaic and preposterous, this bagging and twining of yard debris. LET US HAVE YARD DEBRIS BINS, for God's sake. So, yeah, that would be GREAT if you could see to that for me.

Hey, do you think I could have a few blank "blue tarp campaign" door hangers? So I can play Tarp Sheriff for a little while too? And can I get a little badge? I miss having a badge sometimes. I used to have a badge from the DA's Office. It made me feel special. Especially when I'd get pulled over for something and whip it out. Just kidding. We weren't supposed to do that. In fact, it was completely an accident every time it "fell" out of my purse along with my driver's license. Anyway, about those door hangers... I think it would be fun to mess with some of my neighbors and bag on their landscaping choices. Naw, I'm just jokin'. But there is some paint peeling and dog barking I'd like to address with a few people.

Well, you can just consider this response to be part of my very own, one-woman, good natured 'white flag campaign', meant as just a friendly reminder that some people don't really appreciate friendly reminders. But hey, I concede. The yard sign has been removed and is now taped to my car making it, effectively, a rather large bumper sticker.

Thanks! See you at the next meeting! :)

__________________________________________

I got a response! Here it is:

Dear Anna,

Thanks for the e-mail. We would like to follow up with you about your CC&R violation, however we do not have you listed as a resident of Mt. Park. Please send me your address information.

Sincerely,

[never mind]

So I wrote back this:

Oh no...I'm not falling for that. There is no need to follow up on the CC&R violation. It's done. I surrender. I didn't really need those first amendment rights anyway. But I would really appreciate it if you could do something about that yard debris bin. I was quite serious about that.

Thanks,
wishes to remain "Anna Nimus"
:)

Well, it turns out these folks have no sense of humor at all. I think I might kinda be in trouble. Even though I HELP PAY THEIR SALARIES. But apparently homeowners are not allowed to voice their opposition to the CC&R's. Or maybe they require that all opposition be voiced without a satirical tone? I keep forgetting about us signing away our 1st Amendment rights, damn it. It's so hard to accept when you're so used to having them... and using them.

Here's the last email I received (I guess I better stop now, huh? Heehee. I feel so naughty):

To whom it may concern,

The folks at MPHOA are serious about their work. They work hard and are committed to making our HOA the best it can be. Many volunteers spend countless hours to do the same.

If you want to have a serious discussion about any issue, fine. Show yourself.

If you want to make a real difference, volunteer.

If not, please stop bothering staff. Your uninformed diatribes are a distraction.

You know who I am,
[never mind]

I feel 'diatribe' is too harsh a word in describing my work. I may have been a little more sarcastic than in some of my other letters but a little friendly sarcasm does not a diatribe make. In regards to the 'uninformed' part, I take no offense. Because I stated several times that I lack knowledge of the contents of the CC&R's. It's kind of like sucking at bowling. It's something I'm proud of. And I do believe that by calling my letter a 'distraction', he was trying to make up for his scathing commentary. I believe it was his nicer, less high strung, after-a-couple-margaritas subconscious self letting me know that I made someone in the office laugh. And I brought a little interest to what might have been a very boring day at the office. Maybe for years to come someone will laughingly refer to my suggested 'two topiary limit'...

Cover letter: Marketing Communications Manager

2008-11-03T17:07:00.000-08:00

If you usually skip over the actual cover letters, here is one you may actually enjoy reading before you get to my response. I found it kind of humorous especially because they appear to be completely serious. Here it is (from Craigslist again):

Marketing Communications Manager (Portland, OR.)

Reply to: see below
Date: 2008-10-29, 10:39AM PDT

“A”PLAYERS NEEDED!

If you feel you are an "A player", are up for our challenging, demanding, and rigorous hiring process, and would like to join a dynamic, growing company, please visit our career center for open opportunities: http://www.fairwayamerica.com/career.php

Fairway America Hiring Philosophy
We are continually seeking and interviewing qualified candidates for all positions. We may be actively hiring for some positions and not others – please check the individual positions for status – but we will be actively interviewing and/or accepting resumes at all times for all positions so we encourage you to apply even if we are not currently hiring for the position in which you are interested. In fact, if you are interested in working with Fairway America, it is best to do this to be considered. It is our goal to have people for all positions that have already been through the whole process before we have an opening for that position so that we are ready to hire an "A" player right away when an opening comes up. So we encourage you to apply now!

My response:

To Whom this May Concern;

I'm writing in response to your ad on Craigslist for the positions which you are hiring for and also the positions you are NOT hiring for but ARE interviewing for. Because I may be just the qualified applicant you are seeking for a position which you are not filling.

And that would be just my luck too. But hey, I could use the interviewing practice. As for my skillifications (I made that word up. Pretty cool, huh?)... I am a player. AND I am an "A player". I don't know which you'd prefer but I believe I have both bases covered. Actually I'm not really sure what you mean. But I'll go ahead and tell you about how I've achieved both 'player' and 'A player' for all the various possible meanings as I understand them.

'Player' as in dating many people? OK, well I'm actually married. And although I never considered myself a player in the traditional "cheating dog" sense of the term, because I didn't marry until well into my 30's, I have had the chance to date many people in my life. And a few of them were players. So that's all I'll say about that.

'Player' as in acting? Two high school plays and local pre-teen rendition of The Nutcracker. Yup. I was the Sugar Plum Fairy. I got to wear toe shoes and be the star of the show and wear the best, most sparkly costume. OK, I wasn't... But I really wanted to be. And actually there were no toe shoes either. I wasn't "old enough" for toe shoes. Because you had to be 12 before they let you cripple and disfigure your feet. Instead, I had to play Clara's stupid brother (because there were no boys in my ballet class) and I got to be one of the Russian dancers. Yeah, I did a double part. Both parts kinda sucked though. I guess I wasn't much of a ballerina. I was never waify or graceful enough. But I still enjoy bouncing into a plie (plee-AY) or a pirouette every once in a while. Like when I've had a lot of coffee. Or I get a good employee review.

'Player' as in you play people to get one over on them? Like scamming people? That's not very nice. I don't do that.

'Player' as in a team player? I am TOTALLY a team player. I love working with other people. I am very social and I really like taking coffee breaks and lunches with coworkers. Otherwise I start to get lonely and I find myself trying to have lengthy conversations with postal workers and grocery store checkers. And they don't really like it if you go on for more than a couple minutes. Especially when your turn is over.

Now, the way I understand it, an "A Player" is both one of the above and an "A". So that means you're looking for someone who got straight A's in school? I got all A's in my Biology classes. But something has to give when you take 5-6 upper division science and math classes at once, so I got B's in General Chemistry and Physics. And Calculus. But I did get an A in Biochemistry. And Cellular Physiology, which was one of only two A's he gave in the whole class. That class sucked. A whole semester about the skeletal system of cells! You have no idea how much detail a person can go into on this topic. NO IDEA. (If you'd like an idea, check out this link: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/17170518)

And then there was the B in my film class. What a jackass that "professor" was. I use quotes around the word 'professor' in this case because I don't think someone who teaches a film class should be held in the same regard as someone with a PhD in Genetics. I sure hope he's sleeping somewhere right now having nightmares about "The 7th Seal". But I digress.

Or perhaps you mean an A type personality? I think I have an A type personality. I'm kind of a bossy, impatient, pain in the ass and everything always has to be perfect and I like to do it myself and I can get really OCD about stuff sometimes. Maybe not compulsive so much. But definitely obsessive. However, I don't talk super fast like some of those A- types. I'm sort of a watered-down, mellow, more likeable version of a Type- A person. Except when I'm pissed off. Then I like to play "System of a Down" in my work space. And people know to stay away from me.

So is that sort of what you mean by an "A Player"? Something like a bossy overgrown hippie ballerina scientist with a good GPA? If so, then I am your gal.

Thanks,

Anna Nimus

Dear Stewart's Soda...

2008-11-01T19:07:00.000-07:00

Dear Stewart's Soda Company;

I'd like to give you some feedback regarding my experience with one of your products. I was at the book store late this morning when I was feeling a bit parched. So I sauntered into the little cafe they have there and after waiting a really long time for the cafe worker to finish making an exceedingly complicated coffee drink for the person ahead of me, I finally paid for my little ginger beer and stepped away to enjoy it. I've enjoyed your root beer and orange cream soda products many times previously.

For some reason, I thought I'd try your ginger beer this time. Because I'm kind of adventurous that way. Well, I took a few swigs and handed the bottle to my husband. My very first immediate impression was that it tasted like ginger ale and then about 3 seconds later a little bit of spice kicked in. At this point I had already told my husband it was good and a little spicy and he proceeded to drink some. Well just about the time he was downing a few swigs, the spicyness continued to grow and I was no longer thinking that it good and a little spicy... I was frantically searching for a chaser! Suddenly my mouth and throat were burning and I actually felt the little sphincter at the entrance to my stomach recoil. I think it may have even cried out.

Oh my god. Really, you all tried this and thought you should sell it to people? Without a warning label? This is the effervescent equivalent to fingernails being dragged across a chalkboard! I think the only people who purchase this soda are people who have never tried it, heard about how painful it is and simply want to have the experience so that they might lament along with their cohorts the next time the topic of questionable beverages comes up in a social situation.

About 15 seconds after my few swigs, I felt like I'd swallowed a liquid form of black pepper. By the time we got outside of the cafe, I realized that not only could I not drink the rest of my $1.50 soda no matter how thirsty I was, I seriously needed something to put out the fire in my esophagus. When I went back into the cafe to purchase a different soda, again having to wait for the one-employee cafe to make another complicated coffee drink, I complained that the ginger beer was horrible and way too peppery. To this, the barista replied (subtly) sarcastically, "yeah, it's gingery." Yeah, it's gingery alright. Kinda like pure lemon juice is lemony. Or pure cinnamon is cinnamony... Like I was the dumb ass for not intuitively knowing that your version of ginger ale would be completely unlike any ginger ale I had previously tasted in my 37 years of existence. But I guess when you work in a cafe for a living you often feel the need to make yourself feel better by making snide comments to customers.

I was not born in a barn. I know what ginger is, I know what it looks like in its natural and altered states and I have actually cooked with it in both its raw and powdered forms. I eat Thai food and sushi. So I know and appreciate ginger as much as the next person. However, this ginger beer? Too much ginger. Not enough beer.

Even after half a bottle of cream soda, my esophagus still burned and continued to do so for at least 20 more minutes. I had to tweeze my chest when I got home. I think my dinner simply fell into my stomach as a result of gravity because I'm pretty sure the entire encasement around the tube between my mouth and stomach disintegrated. I've experienced less esophogeal pain after a whole night of News Years Eve drinking and vomiting.

Speaking of drinking and vomiting, have you ever considered mixing this stuff with Tequila and selling it as the new anti-Zima? Maybe you could call it, "Bachelor Party". Or "Hell Fuel". I think it might actually do well because people of a certain age really enjoy making their friends drink horrible concoctions on special occasions and laughing at them. I know this from personal experience because for my bachelorette party, I was brought a special combination of sake, hot sauce and fish eggs. And my friends thoroughly enjoyed my attempts to consume this concoction in tiny little sips while trying not to gag. Because you really don't want a photo taken of you while you're gagging. It's the most unnattractive thing a person can do and I'm not that photogenic to begin with. I could just see someone posting that on facebook after I've worked so hard to compile only the most unrealistically attractive pictures of myself for my facebook page.

Now, you might think I'm just a wuss, but you would be wrong. I like spicy foods. I like Indian food. And hot salsa. And Altoids. I put tobasco sauce on my pizza. I have also drunken (drank?) many things in my life. I used to drink Jagermeister because I liked the flavor. Ouzo? Give me more-o. So I, sir, am not a wuss. The problem is that your ginger beer is simply atrocious.

I really think you should post a warning label to the bottle. Maybe you could do a play on the Altoids "curiously strong" campaign. Something like "ferociously gingery" OR "painfully spicy" OR "Not for children or people with intact taste buds." Or I think maybe you should tone down the spice by about 75%. I think it would be nice with just a bit more kick than grocery store ginger ale. So it's not boring. But as it is, it's way too strong. Can you imagine if someone gave this to their child to drink unknowingly? It would totally cry. Or if you drank this after a bout of post-pizza heartburn? I think I would cry. I'll bet people have ended up in emergency rooms.

So anyway, we dumped out the ($1.50!) soda and recycled the bottle. I hope we didn't kill the plant we poured it on. Can I have a new soda of one your other flavors? I mentioned the two I like- root beer and orange cream. Or I wouldn't mind trying the cherry cream soda. I can't imagine cherry flavoring could go remarkably wrong.

Thanks and good luck.

Thanks,
[signed my real name, because I'm hoping for soda by mail]

Dear Jordache Jeans...

2008-10-27T10:26:00.000-07:00

Dear Jordache Jeans,

I'm writing because I would like to welcome you back. I'm not really very into fashion anymore, but I have many fond memories of having to lay flat on my back on my bed to zip up my skin-tight Jordache jeans when I was in elementary school. You might be surprised that a girl of elementary school age would do such a thing, but your advertising campaigns were very successful. So even at 10 years old, we wanted to be sexy and show off our designer jean-covered butts while we played tetherball voraciously. And actually, I had been conscious of how various brands of jeans were making my butt look since about the age of 7 because I was allowed to watch way too much TV. Although, I still don't get that "Travis, you're a year too late" commercial.

I must admit I was surprised to find that you even had a web site when I did a google search. I guess I thought Jordache went out of business a long time ago. Or maybe you found a market in the far-reaching locations of the globe where fashion is 10-15 years behind? Perhaps in the very places you have your factories? But anyway, I was happy to see you've branched out into so many new, successful brands of jeans (and olive oil and airplanes). I had no idea you made Gasoline and XOXO! I'm glad to know you were able to weather through the anti-glam period of the 90's so that now with the return of 80's fashions, you can make a comeback in the US.

I, for one, am very excited to have a chance to wear swirly cowboy-rope-like little designs on my back pockets again. And I'm happy to report that after all these years I am still very conscious of how jeans make my butt look. However, I'd like to make a suggestion, not just for your Jordache brand jeans but for all of your lines of jeans. I don't know who you are using as a fit model, but you (and the overwhelming majority of all jean manufacturers) are not getting the larger size jeans right. If you could make them fit properly and make it known to the average, size 12 women of the world that you have finally created a jean with extra fabric in the seat area and less in the waist, we will be lifelong devotees, I swear to gawd. Because we are so sick of having that gaping space at the back of our waists where the fabric bunches up under the belts that we have to wear even though you'd think our hefty hips would have no trouble holding up pants without the aid of a belt. But here we are with our jeans falling down.

You know why? Because I think a size 2 woman must be designing jeans. And she must have always been a size 2 woman and has no idea what a size 12 women is shaped like. And I know she is not a man because even gay men know that a size 12 woman has way more badonkadonk than a Paris Hilton sized woman. (I know the term 'bodonkadonk' is falling out of fashion, but I don't care- I like it.) Perhaps your little waif designer hides her eyes in horror when she sees a size 12 derrierre make it's way into her field of view? Or maybe when you work in the fashion industry, you just never have a chance to see a size 12 woman.

So I'd like to direct my suggestion to the stick woman who is in charge of designing the shape of jeans: You can not simply make size 12 jeans proportionately larger throughout than the size 2 jeans. A size 12 woman has a completely different body shape than a size 2 woman. She has a MUCH greater difference in her ass to waist ratio. MUCH greater... Ass to waist ratio.

The way things are now, we either have to buy ridiculously low riding jeans that don't even begin to cover our plumber's cleavage OR we have to buy higher-riding jeans that fit our asses but are ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS gapingly large at our waists and/or upper hips. This leads to an ill-fitting jean which falls down and shows off our underwear whenever we bend or stoop down. This was ok when I was 21 and going out to bars and drinking a lot, but now that I'm married and in my 30's I'd prefer to keep my sensible grandma undies discretely hidden. Is it really too much to ask to have a jean properly shaped to our size? We're forking over the big bucks for jeans too. Is our money not a valuable as the money of size 0's sugar daddy?

Allow me to illustrate my point:
A size 2 looks like this:
o
xx
o
o

And you currently make the 12's look like this:
oo
xxx
oo
oo

What you need to do is make the 12's look like this:
oo
xxxx
xxxxx
ooo
oo

Capice? :)

Now to completely change the subject... I'm super excited about the re-launch of Dittos jeans! I didn't know you made Dittos. I loved Dittos! These were also a butt-showing-off favorite in the elementary school yard (along with the jellybeans-on-the-back-pockets jeans), but that was back in like 2nd and 3rd grade for me. Will you be making the style with the U-shaped stitching on the back again? Those were my favorite. I had them in red and green.

Hey you know what would be kind of cool is if you could get a product placement gig in that "Land of the Lost" movie that's coming out. Because the women of my generation would be all over that. We love pop-culture references. And we love everything retro that reminds us of our childhoods. Maybe you could get a couple of cute, size 12 sleestaks dancing around in Dittos to the tune of "The Tide is High"? I would like that very much. I might even be willing to run out and fork over $160 for a new pair of Dittos after seeing that. Actually, no probably not. What is up with the price tag on those puppies? Those of us kids running around in Dittos in the 70's? Working class... Middle class. Playing on the monkey bars. NOT having crumpets with our nannies. I think it's a slap in the face to the spirit of original Ditto's to be selling the revived versions for $160-200.

I think they'll do much better if you sell them for around $50-60. For nostalgia's sake, I'd be willing to buy them for 50 bucks. But the kids nowadays who buy fancy jeans and can spend all of the money from their after-school jobs at Nordstrom's on clothes? They weren't alive for original Ditto's. They don't care about them they way we CARE about them. But we all have mortgages and just lost way too much of our 401k's to be buying $160 jeans. Kids today... They're too busy texting and IM-ing to care about Ditto's. With their MySpace pages. And their way too fancy video games. When I was wearing my Ditto's we didn't even have cable television. We had to get up when we wanted to change the channel. When you missed a TV show or a movie, you were SOL. Hair mousse? Texturizer? What's that? We had hairspray, period. Not even Atari was invented yet. And when you wanted something heated up, you had to use the stove. But it was OK. We had Dittos. And disco music. And John Travolta posters. And our butts looked good.

I wonder, since you all have access to those expensive fashion forecasting books, could you possibly tell me if leg warmers will be making a come back as well? If so, I'd like to be the first one on my block to wear those again. Do you think I could wear them with my bubble skirt?

Regards,
Anna Nimus

Cover letter: Planetary Wind Tunnel Operator

2008-10-23T18:30:00.000-07:00

The job posting:

Planetary Wind Tunnel Operator (Moffett Field California)

Reply to: [nevermind]@asu.edu [?]
Date: 2008-10-22, 10:21AM PDT

Operate the Planetary Aeolian Laboratory at NASA-Ames Research Center, Moffett Field, California as a National Facility for the NASA Planetary Geology and Geophysics community.

Duties and responsibilities: Assist in the design of experiments, conduct experiments in the facility, record experiment results, maintain laboratory in operational order, assist in preparation of formal reports, supervise student worker and occasional interns.

Desired qualifications: Degree in science or engineering. Experience in coordinating the work of others; demonstrated knowledge of Planetary Science; OR any equivalent combination of experience and/or education from which comparable knowledge, skills and abilities have been achieved.

Send letter of application, resume and names of three potential references to greeley@asu.edu.

This contract position involves an Equal Opportunity/Affirmative Action employer.

Location: Moffett Field California
Compensation: $50,000 – 65,000. This is a grant funded position. Continuation is contingent on future grant funding. The position is open for full-time or part-time employment and is subject to criminal/background security checks on potential employees. This position is 30-40 hours per week, benefits eligible.
This is a contract job.
This is at a non-profit organization.
Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
Please, no phone calls about this job!
Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.
PostingID: 889162085

My response:

To Whom this May Concern;

I'm writing in response to the vacant Planetary Wind Tunnel Operator position you currently have advertised on Craigslist. My education and work history are in the sciences, so I'm confident I have the skills you require for this position. And I would very much like to have that title. I think it would be show an interesting progression on my resume: Forensic Scientist...Artist... Planetary Wind Tunnel Operator... That would be fantastic. I think I might win an award at the high school reunion with that resume! Would I be able to get business cards? I'd like to hand them out at parties. However, I have a few concerns I'd like to inquire about prior to submitting my resume for your consideration.

Will I be able to operate the wind tunnel from a reasonable distance or do I need to be nearby? Because I have allergies. And I think a wind tunnel might kick up the dust something fierce, you know what I'm sayin'? The last thing I need is for dust and fungal spores and pollen grains to get wedged up into my sinuses at 150 miles per hour.

I also want to be sure that only inanimate objects will be used for the airflow and fluid dynamics experimentation. I would be opposed to the use of animals in this regard. Because that would be mean. And honestly, I don't see what the use of studying the aerodynamics of say, an elephant, or a puppy, would be. I think they might become scared during the test and potentially cause quite a mess. And I could comfort a puppy, but I don't know that I'm comfortable with the idea of comforting a scared elephant. Now although I am opposed to using animals for aerodynamic testing, there are several humans I would be ok with you using... Ha. Funny.

Also, my current hair style requires a great deal more work than my last hair style, which was more "wash-n-wear". I like a wind-blown look as much as the next person, but that just won't work with my new 'do, which is more of a "set-n-spray" hairstyle. Anything greater than a light breeze would really mess it up. But if I can operate the wind tunnel from a safe distance then this point is moot. If not, then perhaps you could set up some sort of remote control device for me? Although I might be willing to do some hairspray testing at low wind speeds if I can be in a commercial. I could be like the "Where's the beef?" lady. Only I'd be much younger and cuter. And I'd be known as the "Windy-haired lady". Oooooohhh... I wonder if wind could be concentrated and utilized for hair removal?! I think you should look into that. But I digress.

I'd like to know if I might be involved with the building of the little model aircrafts you use in some of the wind tests? I am very craftsy and would enjoy this aspect of the position immensely, provided you have a well-ventilated space for me to construct the models in. That model glue is some gnarly stuff. I know some people like to sniff it on purpose but I'm quite fond of my brain cells and would like to keep them until they die a more natural death. Like from TV watching. So I will require a ventilator or a fume hood. When you're done testing the little model airplanes do you ever let people bring them home or is that frowned upon? I think they might make an excellent conversation piece. Or maybe not so much a conversation piece, as a mobile. Like a huge aircraft mobile. That would really nicely accent our high ceilings.

I also want to ensure that I will not be working with any alien spacecraft or any human spacecraft that resembles alien spacecraft. I don't want to see it and I don't want to know about it. I want nothing to do with it. There are two reasons for this. First of all, people with inside knowledge of alien spacecraft always die at a young age of questionable circumstances. And I'm not comfortable with the questionable circumstances or the young age. Secondly, I have a phobia of alien spacecraft. Ever since that movie came out about those loggers or campers or whoever they were-- those guys in the woods-- who "lose" one guy for a few days after they all saw a UFO and it turned out the UFO sucked him up and did weird tests on him? You know that movie? Yeah. I can't drive in remote places late at night by myself anymore because it would be just my luck that I would be abducted by aliens and no one would believe me and I'd have recurrent nightmares about the weird tests... And then my in-laws would think I was even weirder than they already think I am since I'm from California and they're from the midwest and they just all think we're weird.

I am way off-track...

My point is that I would like to know up front if there will be anything other-worldy or fishy going on because if so, then I'd rather just work somewhere boring. Assuming that none of the above issues will be problematic, I would like to go ahead and submit my application. As I stated, I have degree in Biology, experience designing and carrying out studies, and a history of preparing formal reports. Although I don't have professional experience coordinating the work of others, I think I would be very good at that. Because my husband says I'm bossy. And I do like to be in charge of things.

Regards,
Anna Nimus

Dear KPTV News (Suggestions for News Ticker)...

2008-10-21T11:05:00.000-07:00

Dear KPTV News;

This morning I was enjoying my coffee and watching the morning news when I was momentarily distracted by the ticker at the bottom, as I often am. I saw your question- "What information would you like to see in the ticker?" and I'd like to take the time to respond. My first choice would be to not have a ticker at all. Because as I said earlier, I find it distracting and sort of irritating and yet I can't seem to look away and ignore it because you know when you try very hard to ignore something, it seems to become the sole focus of your attention. But if you're hell-bent on having the ticker then I have some suggestions for making it better:

1. If you're going to post a news story on the ticker, then PLEASE, for the love of gawd, at some point could you please have an actual news story about it? A couple of weeks ago you reported in the ticker about a woman who lost both of her arms in a farm accident. I waited DAYS to hear more about that story. And for days, it ran in the ticker taunting me like a horrific tease. But nobody ever said anything about it! I wanted details because I'd very much like to not have that happen to me. But how can I avoid the same fate if I don't know what the circumstances of the de-arming were? Now I just lay awake at night wondering about all the possible ways my arms might be torn from body and not knowing what the most common causes are.

2. Please don't waste my ticker-reading efforts on school closure information. This does not apply to me.

3. I think it would be fun if you took some time to say hi to some of your viewers, like Miss Mary used to do on Romper Room. Because I'm not too old to want to see my name on TV. Maybe you could even bring back Mr. Do-Bee to help adults with their manners. Because it has come to my attention that there are far too many rude people walking around in the world and they are breeding rude children. But maybe if you had Mr. Do-Bee do an occasional guest appearance, people would learn that it's rude for them to get into car accidents because they're talking on their cell phone while driving and it's not nice to ignore the person who just held a door open for you. Maybe in the lower corner above the ticker you could have a mini Mr. Do-Bee share his proper manners announcements between stories of local shootings and fires.

4. Everyone loves a good quotation. I think it might enhance your program if you posted smart, thoughtful quotations on the ticker. Imagine this: Portland: high 68, low 52 Beaverton: high 67, low 51 "To err is human, to repent divine, to persist devilish." -by Ben Franklin... Gresham: high 70, low 53 "Intellectuals solve problems- geniuses prevent them." -by Albert Einstein... Wilsonville: high 68, low 51 (See how that breaks up the monotony of a lackluster weather forecast and adds a little something special?)

5. Instead of actually posting high and low temperatures maybe you could use little colorful clothing symbols instead? You could have a little white tank top, a little yellow T-shirt, a little red long-sleeve shirt, a purple V-neck sweater, and a little blue Northface parka. This would get rid of all the numbers and add a little color to the ticker area. Because now that we're all used to using a color scheme to know how scared of terrorists we should be at any given moment, it would nice to apply the same logic to our weather forecasts.

6. If you don't like the idea of using little colored clothing items instead of numbers for the weather forecast, perhaps you could use words to describe the weather instead? I've noticed that you have a large variety of different graphics for all the different varieties of sun and rain combinations. And that's great! It's much more useful than just having one graphic to represent such a complex event because as you know one graphic does not adequately describe all the possibilities of a mixed day and how you should spend it. A potential wording example: "Icky-cold in the morning, easing to mezzo-mezzo comfy in the late afternoon with serious crappiness moving in late tonight." Better, right? This way, it's quite clear when all the neighbors will be doing their dog walking and people can adjust their daily schedule accordingly. Otherwise Dakota might miss seeing his neighborhood friends while they're all out walking and he's still over at the doggie day care because we didn't know to expect the sun in the middle of the day and not the end of the day like yesterday.

7. I would find it really useful to know which stores are having big sales. Or if some store is having an amazing bargain on one particular product, you should totally post that. For instance, I was at Safeway the other day and they were selling 2-liter bottles of brand-name soda for 59 cents! That's unheard of nowadays! That is a ticker-worthy bargain. And I, for one, would very much like to be informed of such bargains. And you should thank whoever your tipster is for a particular deal. If you find that one person's name keeps coming up as the ticker bargain tipster, you should give that person their own little news segment. AND that would be one less unemployed person with too much time on their hands. (I am currently available and would be happy to act as ticker bargain tipster until you find someone more qualified.)

8. You could also post the day's horoscopes. Because horoscopes are kind of fun even if they aren't real... Like Santa Claus for adults. Besides, if newspapers can post the horoscopes without losing credibility, then why can't you?

9. How about having a "word of the day"? You could give the definition and then use it in a sentence. Maybe you could even post viewers suggestions for additional sentences. That would be very educational. To do so would be euphony to my ears. But ignoring my "word of the day" idea would be a myopic decision. Imagine how fun it would be if everyone in Portland took part in using the word of the day... One day everyone would be circumlocuting this, that and the other and the next day we could all be talking and joking about our quondam professions. What fun it might be. And it would boost ratings because everyone hates to be the person who doesn't know what everyone else is talking about and everyone would be forced to watch the morning news just so they wouldn't feel left out of the "word of the day" fun. Maybe people could even earn points every time they used the "word of the day" in their conversations. Like brownie points but more intellectual...Wordie points.

10. I think it would be helpful if every day you posted a couple of ideas for dinner. Because people get sick of coming up with things to eat all the time. This will encourage people to make their own food which is healthier and cheaper than eating out. You don't need to post recipes- people can just google for recipes or figure it out themselves. They just need an idea. You could just say, "Monday's dinner ideas: pasta, mushrooms, and bell peppers with marinara sauce (add shrimp or sausage if desired) OR turkey tacos with Mexican salad" Voila! Two perfectly healthy, easy ideas for what to make for dinner. That would be super. Trust me, people will love it. We don't want to have to figure things out on our own anymore. We're tired of doing that.

Well, I hope you'll find my ticker ideas useful. And while I have your attention, might I also put in my two cents about those weird random out of state news stories you include periodically in your local news cast? I find them weird and random. Thumbs down. I don't care about some guy who robbed a liquor store in Kansas or some teenagers who got into a fight on a school bus in Arizona. This is completely useless information and I have a hunch that you include these stories only when there is graphic video available and only when there isn't enough crime in Portland to talk about. The only exception is when you have amusing footage of an animal doing something funny or being somewhere it shouldn't be and messing things up. I'd prefer to see those stories on the news because I don't watch "America's Funniest Home Videos". Otherwise, I would prefer that time be allotted for news stories of actual national importance. Like which politician did what illegal thing with whom and when will they be resigning? Or oil spills. That would be great.

Thanks,
Anna Nimus

-------------------------------------------------

10/25/08 UPDATE: I got a response!!!! I never get responses. Here it is:

Hi Anna,

Thanks for all of the suggestions and ideas!

I don't know yet how many we'll be able to incorporate, but we're always looking for new ways to make the ticker (and the news) more interesting and useful for our viewers.

Again, thank you for the e-mail!

Brian [nevermind]
EXECUTIVE PRODUCER
good day Oregon